Songs That are [S]HOT

I have to tell you, I've chosen some of the most beautiful songs to tie me to some of the people I've cared for the most in the past. Almost every couple has their own song. You know the type, it's one with great lyrics, a catchy melody, and every time you hear it on the radio, you have to turn it up and sing along, calling your partner at that moment so you can share part of that fleeting moment. It's great to have something as a reminder to make you think of that person. The real issue that follows is this: What do you do after you've severed ties with that person? What happens to the music? 

It's not always a love song though. Sometimes it's a song that reminds you of a certain moment in time. Just as tattoos are said to be 'a permanent reminder of a temporary feeling,' I look at these songs in the same way. 

Song One: "Mad World" by Gary Jules

One of the first songs I can remember having this connection to is one by Gary Jules titled "Mad World." The song was used in the movie "Donnie Darko." The film chronicles the life of a disturbed youth (played by Jake Gyllenhall) who experiences strange paranormal events leading up to his ultimately untimely death. The closing credits roll as this dark and dreary film comes to an end. The accompanying tune: "Mad World" sung by Gary Jules. My first boyfriend committed suicide. I dated him briefly when I was in middle school. He was a year or two older than myself and had been introduced through a mutual friend. He was my first kiss. I spoke briefly of him in my entry describing my coming out experience. When Nick (Brian Nicholas Wood) committed suicide, it had been months since we'd last spoke. He had earned his GED, and at one point was working for K-Mart. I don't think this was where he was working when he passed. His home life was not a healthy one. His mother was a lesbian who didn't seem to mind what her children did, and in my opinion, she didn't keep track of their personal lives either. I remember going to their house one time. She sat on the couch with her partner, never turning their heads as Nick briefly tried to introduce me. Nick's brother was the only heterosexual in the family. Nick's mom was a lesbian, and Nick's grandmother was also a lesbian. Don't ask me how all of this happens. Three generations of a family all attracted to the same sex. Nick was bisexual which only seemed to complicate things. He cheated on me with the mutual friend (my best friend throughout the most delicate years of my life). Nick's brother was involved in a tragic situation where a group of people played Russian roulette. The trigger was pulled and a bullet fired. The bullet didn't hit Nick's brother though. The trigger had been pulled by a friend who was playing. This landed the friend in the hospital. Talks were made of bringing Nick's brother to court. The friend was in intensive care and it wasn't looking good. With things seeming terribly unfavorable, Nick's brother took his own life with a bullet to the head. The blood splashed onto the back of an American flag in his room. Nick's mother was now down one of her two sons. Nick's life had been rather uneventful. His greatest experiences were that of earning his GED and acquiring his driver's license. Nick had a hard time dealing with the situation. I'm sure his mother wasn't a help either. Nick took his own life. He missed his brother so much. Nick's brother was the straight one; he was the only sane one in the family. Nick was in his bedroom. He had prepared a list of songs he wanted played at his funeral. He turned on music. Nick wrapped himself in the American flag that was covered in his brother's blood. He played "Mad World" on repeat. He took four or five zip ties and put them around his neck, pulling them tight. Nick suffocated slowly. His body was found by his mother. "Mad World" was still playing on repeat. At his funeral his requests were honored. "Love Me When I'm Gone" played in the small church sanctuary. I was surrounded by young friends who shed many tears. "Mad World" started playing. I had never heard this song before. I noticed that the sobbing worsened as the song played. I had to ask someone what the significance was. It was terrible, truly terrible. At the viewing, Nick's mother had grown very defensive, threatening guests to not blame her because she'd already heard enough. She seemed stoic, completely void of all emotion. I could see it though. I could see the emptiness in her eyes and a reflection of the void in her soul. After all was over with, I found myself listening to the radio in random places. I'd hear it. I would be in my bed at night listening to songs softly and I'd hear Gary Jules. I was on a marketing field trip for a state competition. We walked into a restaurant to eat and I heard Gary Jules singing from above again. I'd never heard the song before, and certainly never on the radio. It haunted me for months. Just as swiftly as the song came into my life, it left. I felt that Nick had left finally and finished tormenting everyone. 

Nifty Fact:

At Nick's viewing I noticed a boy. He was years older than me, tall, thin, and attractive. I was immediately lured by his bright blue eyes. Months later, a mutual friend actually connected the two of us. Derek was the second guy I dated, and to this date he is the only person I've ever dated and slept with quite regularly. I met my next boyfriend at my first boyfriend's funeral (indirectly though). 

Song Two & Three: "Breathe Me" by Sia / "Bubbly" by Colby Caillat

A lot of time passed between the memory of "Mad World" and of this next song. It's been a somewhat rare occurrence that I share a song with a man because my relationships have been quite short-lived on the whole. Years ago I met a guy online named Jason. Jason and I met for the first time when I was about to graduate high school in 2005. I remember this vividly because we met at TGIFridays for dinner and my cousin Adrienne (who was in town for my graduation) came with me to meet him. Jason and I met that once, never kissed, and just like that, he disappeared and moved. Jason moved off to New York city for a year and a half, pursuing a career in modeling, in film, and (on the down low) RETAIL. Jason worked on the management team at Gap in Times Square. I lost touch with him, but somehow I'd still receive instant messages from him online about once or twice a month. He managed to keep in touch with me even when I didn't really pursue him. I found this intriguing but never really dived into the subject. While speaking online, it all came out that Jason had kept in touch because he had the hots for me. We both decided it would be healthy to start getting to know each other. We spoke on the phone regularly for hours. He came to town to visit his family since he's originally from Gloucester. There were visits when I'd see him only once, but towards the end of these visits, I felt as if I was the only reason he came down. We started dating seriously. He came down to visit one time. We spent all the time together. When he left, I didn't want him to leave, nor did he. I heard about this the next day, but the story goes along these lines: Jason got back on his plane heading for NYC. While he was on the tarmac, there was some sort of back up and the flight out had been delayed for several minutes. He started to have a panic attack. He caused a scene. He started crying hysterically. He called over a flight attendant and told her his mother had been in a terrible accident was was currently in critical condition. They let him off the plane while it was still on the tarmac. He stayed. He eventually went back to bring his belongings home, and he came back here. He stayed with his grandmother who gave him his space. When my birthday rolled around, one of our friends was generous enough to get us a hotel room for the evening. Jason bought the liquor and I brought the mixers. My friend Dia bought me a bottle of Asti Spimanti. The evening started with alcohol, and you can guess how it ultimately ended. I brought my laptop that night. I played Sia's "Breathe Me" on repeat practically the whole night. Her soft airy voice reverberated off of the walls and filled the room with an indescribable calm. That night I got a silver Tiffany's ID bracelet with Ryan Scott engraved across the top. Jason had special ordered and designed it while he was still in New York. This is still the best birthday present I've ever received. When I saw the little blue box in that bag I was speechless. The night ended and the next day came. I remember packing up my midnight blue Saab 9-5 sedan the next morning. I don't have that car anymore. I don't have hotel fun like that anymore, and up to that point, never had that kind of fun. Jason's ringtone on my phone was "Bubbly" by Colbie Caillat. It still echoes in my head, bringing back feelings of oncoming vicious bouts of vomiting (NO, not from drinking that night, but rather at the thought of Jason). Jason and I severed ties on extremely horrific terms. The gentleman who had purchased the hotel room at the Embassy Suites for my birthday night was a very good friend of mine before Jason came back to the area and into my life. This man's name is Gary. I haven't seen him in months, and if I ever saw him again, I'm fairly sure I'd stomp on his foot, spit in his face, and put my cigarette out in his eye. Gary and I would go out for dinner on some occasions. We sat next to each other in the bar almost every night. We would bar-hop together at times. I had to call that quits though after he left his lights of his oversized red Ford Expedition on all night while we were in a bar and the male dancer had to give us a jump. That night Gary fell in the parking lot in a drunken stupor and managed to cut up his ear and one entire side of his face. I had to drive home...But back to the rapport I had with Gary. We were great friends. He even helped orchestrate the surprise arrival of Jason one night. I had no clue he was going to walk through the door of the bar when he did. Gary beamed a great smile and I'd never been so happy. When I grew somewhat distant, working many hours and trying to balance my time with friends, it was only natural that Jason tried to find ways to spend his own free time. Gary was more than happy to take him out to dinner. Ryan was still my best friend at this time and had confronted me on several occasions that something was going on between Jason and I. Why I did not heed his warnings, I'll never know. I'm notorious for always giving the benefit of the doubt when it shouldn't be offered. It wasn't until Ryan overheard Gary's friend Pam and Jason speaking in the bathroom about Gary's recent poor treatment of Jason that my ears perked up. Jason and I were over. Gary had been dating Jason right under my face. I was shocked by the both of them. I stopped talking to Jason, and I stopped talking to Gary. Of course when things like this happen Ryan doesn't just sit back and watch. Mouths ran. Jason and Ryan had it out one night on my cell phone. They had a text message war that was so big it made the Civil War look like a quaint family picnic. It got ugly for a couple months as looks were shot from across the bar. I received a call at my job threatening to kill me if I didn't leave Jason alone. The voice was a thick New York accented man who threatened to have me "swimmin' with the fishes." Ryan was next. Gary and Jason showed up at his work and Gary told him that if he didn't keep his mouth shut, he'd make sure it'd stay shut. Ryan took the threat seriously. I even called the police anonymously asking what would need to be done. I called Jason and left him a voice mail telling him it had gone too far and that I would take out a restraining order and contact an attorney if he didn't knock it off. It's one thing to threaten to shove a boot up someone's ass, and completely another to threaten someone's life. After they had been involved for a short while, Jason was seen in a BMW Z3. I heard the stories. I don't have to ask people this shit, they just put it in my hand. I always get the 411. I heard that Gary bought him the car. As time would tell, Gary made the down payment on the car. The $5,000.00 check bounced. When it did, Jason and Gary were going through a rocky period. Gary got really nasty about the whole thing. "I guess you got yourself into a pickle now," Gary told Jason. Gary even went as far as to use his spare set of keys to kidnap that little Z3 in the middle of the night and take it back to the bank to have it repossessed. Jason called the bank, made the back payments on the loan, and worked out an agreement with the dealership in regards to the bounced $5K check. Jason started text messaging me again. He tried really hard too. I'll give him that. He tried to get my attention and mend the broken bridge between us. In all honestly, we've been oceans apart ever since. He called after I ignored those texts and wanted to know if he'd offended me. We met up for cocktails and I hesitantly listened to what he had to say. Gary apologized eventually too, but his apology fell on deaf ears. I say I forgave him, and maybe I did, but things like that can never be forgot. Gary was the one who had his best friend call my job, use a fake accent, and claim to be Dominic who could somehow send his boys to make me swim with the fishes. Jason wasn't aware of the threats that went over so poorly with Ryan and myself. He used that as leverage a lot. I don't know if he knew about it or not, but Ryan seems willing to bet his life that he knew exactly what was going on. I did get back together with Jason for a brief period after all the mess had gone down. Gary hadn't been seen for a while, and to this day, it's been months since I've seen his overly tanned face and that cheaply colored blonde hair. Jason and I came to our final destination of calling it quits shortly before Christmas. He started hanging out with Ryan and Rob through me and ultimately ended up spending more time with them than I did. I started to resent him. I hated going to Ryan's house and seeing him there. I hated those droopy eyes and that pouty face. I looked at him as filth. I was tired of his poor portrayal of a confident actor. His pictures were good, but never model-quality. He tried to exude confidence, but it was only a vain effort to compensate for the lack thereof. Ryan still greeted him in passing. They actually spoke a couple weeks ago. I don't acknowledge his presence anymore. I walk past him. I look through him. I ignore his very existence. One night I was tanked and drank a little too much. I walked out of the bathroom at the bar and almost smiled and said, "Hey!" to him. I quickly realized the gravity of the situation and nearly kicked myself in the head for almost getting that close to blowing it. I've been listening to Sia recently. I downloaded everything of hers that I possibly could. She came out as a lesbian not long ago. This was exciting news. I listen to "Breathe Me" not but not the original. I can't listen to the original anymore. I listen to the FourTet remix now. The original version was the melody that played in my ear every time I called Jason. I can't listen to "Bubbly" either because every time Jason would call, that's what would play. In a copycat fashion, he set his phone to play the same song when I would call him. I'm sick just thinking of him now. I must congratulate myself for rehashing this without vomiting all over myself and my laptop. 

Song Four and Five and Six: "PDA" by John Legend / "Just the Way You Are" by Diana Krall / "P.S. I Love You" by Diana Krall

It is truly a small miracle that Donnie and I even found each other. I can't tell you how many online efforts I have made to find the perfect man. After years of being out at bars and clubs, I realized that the great men aren't in the bars. They're not drinking or staying up late. They're at home. They have real jobs. They have real security. Donnie and I met through SinglesNet.com. He sent me a message and I sent him my phone number. We talked that first night for a long time. I was speaking to my best friend. He loved everything that I did and knew every word to every song just like me. We laughed and I smiled as I hung up my clean laundry that night. I called him again the next day and spoke for a long time with him. It became crazy to me that we had so much in common and I started wondering if all we'd ever amount to would be best friends. I asked him, "Do you get a friend vibe from me?" Donnie always brought this line up to me. He said it was the first moment when he realized that he was falling for me. He told me no he didn't get that friend vibe. He wanted more, and so did I. After speaking over the phone for not even two weeks, I decided I was so comfortable with this man that I couldn't possibly wait any longer to see him. I packed up a weekend bag and decided to spend some time with him. I got off of work on a Saturday afternoon and drove up to Baltimore, Maryland. It was over four hours away. I told my parents I had met him at the bar when he was visiting on business, but only my mom knows how we really met. It wasn't until I was halfway to Baltimore that I realized how crazy my actions were. I was driving to meet a man in his thirties in a whole other state and I had never even seen him before. It could have turned out really bad. It honestly could have cost me my life. I trusted my instincts though. I got to his house after driving through downtown Baltimore like a doe in headlights. I was terrified to miss a turn. I made it to his house. I was so happy to see him. He looked adorable. he was standing on the curb waiting for me, talking to me on his phone. I made him parallel park my car since I don't know how. I hugged him for the first time and it fit. It felt like home. I walked into his home to find it just as I would have wanted it. His color choices were bright and modern. It was surprisingly minimal. It was meticulously cleaned. I fell in love with his sense of style. I loved every single DVD on his rack. We smoked cigarettes together. We played songs on his computer and we took turns choosing them. I danced with him in his dining room. Nobody saw but us. We smiled and kissed and enjoyed moments of short-lived bliss. He played "PDA" by John Legend. I played "P.S. I Love You" by Diana Krall. He played something else and I played "Your Song" by Elton. I stayed that Saturday night with Donnie, and I also spent part of that Sunday with him as well. I came home Sunday night. All of that just for a Saturday night and a Sunday morning. I went back the next weekend. This time he planned out meals to cook for the two of us. We ate by candlelight. We played the same songs from the weekend before. We killed a couple bottles of wine and headed out to the bars. We went to Grand Central and snuck in the side entrance to avoid paying any cover. We stayed upstairs in the dimly-lit lesbian bar. We smoked cigs and drank cocktails. After three glasses of wine at his house and two rum and diets at Grand Central, I was feeling a heavy buzz. I met a few lesbians at Central and laughed and hugged them. We left, taking with us a wonderful lipstick lesbian (meaning she was girly and not butch) named Katie Arnold. We went to The Hippo across the street (another gay bar). I got in and before I could tell Donnie to stop, he passed me another drink. I got so drunk I wanted to tell him we had to leave. I should have. But I lasted as long as I could before telling him I was ready. I danced drunkly with Katie and with an older woman with what I thought to be a killer haircut at the time. Donnie and I went home. We played and then we passed out. We woke up the next morning on his stark white sheets. They were softer than flannel and nicer than any hotel sheets I've ever rested my weary body on. I immediately felt the throbbing head ache. Through the darkness of the room I could see a dark spot on the sheets. I had slept on Donnie's chest that night. I spoke, "I think I threw up last night."

"No, I think I had a nose bleed." It turns out that I had threw up. Donnie thought it was a nose bleed because somehow it ended up on the side of his face, his chest, and his boxers. It was terribly embarrassing. It was nothing but red wine. It wasn't full of chunks or anything terribly gross, but I promise, it wasn't a pleasant realization on his part either. He made me feel okay about it. He cleaned the floor (I had made a futile attempt to land the vomit in the trash can apparently) and put the sheets in the wash to be cleaned on the 2 hour white cycle. The stains came out. It was amazing. He came down and met my family a week or two after that. Everyone loved him. My sister still talks about him to this day. Donnie and I dated over Christmas time. I even started looking at what I would need to do to transfer to Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore so I could move in with him this summer. I visited a couple more times and my schedule changed, putting a small damper on my ability to meet him. We started falling apart. One night I thought it would be good to come clean of my doubts and be honest with him. He came clean with his, and we both walked away from that conversation hurt. We had mortally wounded each other with our own words. He cancelled my trip up to Baltimore that weekend. He didn't think it would be good. He said we'd just fall in love all over again and ignore that elephant that we just invited into our relationship. I would call him and he wouldn't answer. I would call the house and he wouldn't answer. Hours would go by to the point where I was so sure he had to at least see that he had missed my calls. He didn't return them. I would call and finally snag him. I'd ream him in and out over his inability to return my calls in a timely manner. Let's face it, Donnie wasn't used to answering to anyone since he lived by himself. It was a feat that he even shared his space with me when I visited. We stopped speaking and decided mutually that we were both in far different places in our lives. We had irreconcilable differences. He called me later to ask if I was still coming up to Baltimore like we had planned for his birthday. We were supposed to still keep in touch and be best friends, but that was falling apart at this point as well. I told him that it wouldn't be right and that I couldn't. I checked my Facebook account to see that he had dropped me from his relationship listing before I did. It was not a pleasant feeling. I knew it was coming, but I felt very detached for days. He took me off his top friends on Myspace and eventually I stopped hearing from him altogether. He burned me a CD with our songs on it. There are too many. He spoiled more songs than anyone I've ever been with. He ruined the following:

"PDA" by John Legend

"Your Song" by Elton John

"Just the Way You Are" by Diana Krall

"P.S. I Love You" by Diana Krall

"Evil Woman" by Electric Light Orchestra

I can't think of any more off the top of my head. It makes me sick to think of them. After we split, he told me that the most fitting song was "For Good" from Wicked, the broadway musical. I listened to it and cried. I called him up and he chastised me for phoning in for his sympathy. He fussed me out asking me if I didn't think he was hurt either. He made me feel terrible about even calling and I really just wanted to say I missed him. He beat me up emotionally in ways that still haunt me to this day. "What do you have to offer these older men? You have nothing to offer them! Are you just going to keep showing up at their houses, play house and then go home to your parents?!" He broke me down bad. He hung up on me. It was definitely ugly from here on out. I wanted to stay friends, but it's not worth it. There were several small aspects about Donnie that I overlooked purposefully that really should have been deal-breakers from the start. You do crazy things for love though. There are many people you can live with, but the hard thing is to find that one person you can't live without. Donnie could have been one of those people. 

It's a shame that I've been forced to bury so many great songs alive. I can't even listen to them and enjoy them anymore. I can't bear to lose any more of my favorites, so from now on I'll keep my favorites to myself and not let anyone take them away.