After passing out on Ryan's couch Saturday night, I woke up pretty early on Sunday. Ryan had to work at 12:00PM. He told me to get ready, I had to get back to my car. I threw on my flip flops and pants, and pulled my coat up over my shoulders. I pushed open the front door and recoiled immediately as the sun pierced my eyes. I pulled out a cigarette and lit up as I fell into the passenger seat of Ryan's car. We drove with the windows partially down. It was cool, but not too cold. We pulled into the bar parking lot and my car was still there. I was secretly hoping someone had stole it and drove it off a bridge so my insurance would write it off and I wouldn't have to make payments on the damn thing anymore. I thanked Ryan for doing all he did for me the night before and he left. I drove home, breaking concentration only once to look at how terrible my hair really was. I'm sure I was a sight for sore eyes. "The Sunday Recovery Sessions." That's the name of the Sunday radio broadcast on the gay dance channel on Sirius satellite radio. I think of that a lot on Sundays. I imagine gay men all over the country, pulling on their underwear and jeans and driving home from being in another man's bed the night before (stranger or not). It makes me sad. I couldn't do that.
I got home at 10:00AM, went upstairs and stripped down. I threw the cigarette smoke laden clothes in the laundry basket and jumped in the shower, attempting to cleanse the filth off me from yet another Saturday night out. I wanted to go to church so bad. I hadn't been in years. I contemplated it as I drove home and had made my mind up by the time I arrived home. I didn't tell my parents until I came downstairs dressed. I looked great. The hair was just right. The cologne radiated off my pulse points, filling the air with the sweet smell of Burberry Touch. Mom asked where I was going. She was in her PJ's, still recovering from the FLU that my father just finished getting over and that he gave her. Her face contorted into a great big smile. She was upset she couldn't go with me, but told me we'd go again next Sunday. I was scared to go alone, especially since I was alone and hadn't been to this church in years. It's the church I was raised in, baptized in, and confirmed in. I'm a legit member. I pulled up to a parking space at the back of the furthest lot. I walked in quickly, smiling sweetly at anyone that looked in my direction. I darted in and out of the members in the Narthex (foyer area). I dodged them all and entered the Sanctuary. One woman I knew came over and hugged me. She held me tight and told me how much she missed me and how good it was to see me, and even how good I looked. I wanted to cry. I sat down by myself just one row from the back. I saw the new pastor, a woman. She smiled and greeted me when I first walked into the Sanctuary but I didn't piece it together until she was standing at the front. She made it clear that if there were any visitors, fill out all the information sitting in the pew in front of you. I think she was referring to me, not having met me before. I ignored it and smiled. I looked out the windows and could see the sun shining. The choir filed in, singing, in their green robes. The pianist played on a black grand piano that I hadn't seen before. My eyes welled with tears but I held them back. I wanted to cry the whole time I was there. The message was about temptation and was just what I needed to hear. It was the quickest I've ever remembered a church service to be. I watched as other people looked bored, and tired, and I was quite the opposite. I wanted to hang on every word. I felt the inside of my heart welling up with joy. My cup overflowed and I wanted to cry. It was great. After the service, I slipped out quickly and drove back home. I ate a small bit, and finished watching Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory with my parents in the den. They had a fire going. It was so nice and warm. I became tired and retired to my room. I slept for hours, not waking back up until 6:00PM. I had promised Boyd since before Christmas that I would come out and watch Steel Magnolias. I've never watched Steel Magnolias before yesterday. I pulled myself out of bed. I threw on a pair of Ryan's old American Eagle jeans. They fit snugly on my legs, widening into boot cut at the feet. I took off my dress shirt but kept on my "Youth Large" undershirt. I grabbed my Abercrombie and Fitch kids size Large jean jacket. It looked as if it had been attacked by a large fleet of Exacto knife razors. I love the broken in distressed look. I threw on my baby blue Sperry Topsider boating shoes and pulled on a straw hat that looked somewhat similar to a fedora. I gassed up and drove to the bar. I walked in to see a table full of door prizes, finger foods, and raffle tickets. Boyd greeted me with an enormous smile. I hugged him, so proud that he actually pulled all of this together. The TV was on a bar table that had been pulled up on stage. The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas was finishing up. Dolly and her girls sang "Hard Candy Christmas," which I had heard a thousand other times, never knowing it's true context. Dolly sang, "I Will Always Love You," and I cried when Burt Reynolds carried her into the truck at the end and drove off. I had been overly emotional that day, getting teary eyed at church, crying at the end of Willy Wonka, and now again at Whore House. I bought five raffle tickets for a gift basket provided by TACT (a local organization raising money for the gay community members living with HIV and AIDS). The basket was filled with tee shirts, lube, condoms, and other stuff. I bought one ticket first, then the guy next to me bought five. There weren't too many people in the bar, so I knew his chances were looking good. I bought four more. He won that raffle, and if I had bought five tickets to begin with instead of just one, I would've had that ticket.
We started the main event. We watched Steel Magnolias. We laughed at Ouisa and cried during all the right parts. I didn't cry though, because by that time, I was losing interest. Kevin came in late during the middle of the film. He bought me a drink before he said hello. I walked over and thanked him. We chatted for a while. He put his hand on my leg, then rubbed my back. I rubbed his. Jimbo came in and I flew to him like a magnet. I hugged him and we both beamed smiles at each other. He talked about how good K.D. Lang's new CD is. I'm scheduled to kill a bottle of white wine at his house on Wednesday and listen to the whole album, front to back.
SIDENOTE- SATURDAY MINI RECAP
I was pretty interested in what Kevin had to say. Besides the fact that I met him Saturday night and tolerated his beligerantly drunk nephew Phillip, I actually heard a lot about this man. Kevin is visiting his nephew Phillip, he is from North Carolina. His nephew had gone on and on, telling me in a drunken stupor that his uncle had over 1 billion dollars. He told me that his uncle played piano for the Clintons (which Kevin did confirm). Kevin isn't boastful at all. He looks like a normal guy. He kept telling Phillip, "Come on man, he just wants to play pool." I had been conned into playing and tried despirately to pretend anyone was my boyfriend to avoid Phillip. Evidently Phillip mistook me for some hairdresser on Saturday night. He twisted up this girls hair and put chopsticks in. He did it at least five times, making me touch to feel how tight it was done. I told him, "You're mistaking me for someone else, I don't do hair!" He continued anyways. He said, "Watch this," and as gayly as he could (which was coming off as pretty natural for him), he pulled at pieces with his hands as if to adjust them and mess it up just right. I was so over it. I walked off. Ryan told me later on that Phillip walked to him and moved a piece of his hair. He told Ryan he was so lucky to have just had his hair done by such a master, and that he wasn't going to charge him. Something Phillip said was along the lines of, "You can say whatever you want when you have a nine inch dick," and Frank just turned to him and said quickly, "Well that depends on what it's attached to." Frank immediately shot him a look as if to say, "Who do you think you are?" Ryan fell out and laughed histerically for the rest of that Saturday night. When it came time to pay my bar tab, I'd had a total of nearly seven drinks. Ryan saw how bad my signature was, so he grabbed the pen and said, "NO, I'm doing this, and you're not driving." He forged my signature and gave back the customer copy, saying I made a mistake on the last copy. Ryan took me to his house. Annnnnnnnnnddddd SCENE.
Back to Uncle Kevin and Jimbo. Kevin offered me another drink after I finished his first gift. I obliged. When Jimbo came in, a new rum and diet magically appeared in front of me. I thanked Jimbo. Kevin turned to me and said jokingly, "Oh, so you'll let him buy you a drink but you won't let me buy you one?"
"He didn't ask me. I'm just being polite."
From that point on, they took turns. It was another after another after another. The movie finished, and Boyd appeared dressed just like Dolly Parton herself. The hair was a real Dolly wig. The lips were overdrawn, and the mole was in the right place. It was amazing. Kevin fed me dollar bills, and fives, and small piles of ones. We repeatedly tipped the shit out of Boyd. I couldn't believe it. Kevin was burning through the cash. Boyd finished the raffle and I won a set of seven shot glasses in a small rack. Very modern. I liked it and was happy. I told Boyd how much fun I had.
"Baby, you were my inspiration. You gave me the idea." He looked just like Dolly. He kissed my cheek, and just like that, I got my gay card back. It had been revoked for not having seen Steel Magnolias. It's a right of passage in the gay community. I had been working off a gay permit for so long, and the moment Boyd kissed my cheek and sealed the deal, I was a practicing gay again.
He's going to do a themed night like the Dolly night once a month now. It was good. It was a great crowd. I forgot to get Kevin's phone number. He's going back to Carolina today too. I finished one last drink somehow and ran. I was so glad when I got home. I needed sleep so badly.
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