The Gay Rage

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Reconciliation with Jason / A New Love

I had a falling out with Ryan on Tuesday night. It's a long story, and certainly one I'd love to talk about, but won't. Just let it be said that things have since cleared up and the both of us have a newfound determination to once again ban ourselves from our once-sacred neighborhood bar.

Tuesday night was the night that I decided to step foot into that shit hole once agian. I went there by myself. I had spent the earlier parts of the evening preparing myself for a night out. I was planning on going to the Wave for some reason, but due to inclimate weather conditions and the late time, I just decided I'd settle for a quiet evening at the Pocket. It was anything but quiet to say the least.

It had been building in me for some time to speak to Jason. After the extravaganza about him supposedly talking trash about me to JT, I decided I'd clear up the speculation and rumours that had been flying like cupid's arrows on Valentine's day. Jason was in the back of the bar in the off-limits kitchen. Since I'm a long time bar fly and one of the people looked fondly on by Frank, it's never a problem for me to get into the back with the employees. Since Jason was dating Naomi, he usually spends a good deal of time in the back with her as she readies herself. As expected, I easily found him in the back. I smiled at him, "Could I talk with you for a minute?" I pulled him aside. I spoke to him about my situation as of recent and how I didn't want the rift between us to continue because deep down, whenever I see him, I DO want to say hello and smile, and when I can't, it just doesn't feel natural for me. I'm a very friendly person. I always give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I am not used to having any enemies, so the thought of not allowing to speak to anyone is something that has caused a decent amount of inner turmoil.

Jason stood in the dark doorway that I had led him to and listened intently. Maybe he was just telling me what I wanted to hear and keeping the truth of some twisted scheme to himself, but it worked either way. I took his words for the truth and swallowed them hook, line, and sinker. I felt better. Mind you, all of this took about three cocktails before I had the courage to try to start the conversation with him.

I won't divulge into further detail about that night, but it did end up finishing with a bang.

Everything in my life has been straightening out. The raging tidal waves in my life have been flattened out to smooth glass-like waters. I'm not used to these slow periods. I work as hard as I can to make sure that I avoid these slow periods in my life. It's absolutely dreadful for me to spend an evening at home. There's nothing wrong with home, I just believe I'm more social than that. Unfortunately I do have a pile of school work that I need to get started on. I have less than a week now to create a test based on every chapter in my history book.

On the romantic front, I've been talking to a man that has been, so far, AMAZING. He shares my views on relationships, finance, and careers. He's a homebody, a book worm, and a professor with a Phd. He's 34. I can't begin to tell you how many nails he has just hit on the head when it comes to my somewhat lengthy, newly revised checklist of traits and characteristics that my next partner will be required to have. He is six foot three inches tall. He's muscular and takes care of his body. He's extremely romantic, and idealistic when it comes to love. He believes commitment should be for life. He loves to kiss. He's very passionate about what love should be like, as am I. I could go on and on, but I really don't want to put all my eggs in one basket and get overworked and possibly disappointed if something fails. I will say that I do have my fingers crossed on this one.

The Tuesday Grind

Tuesdays usually offer nothing other than a small crowd at the bar in Newport News. I had exchanged text messages with Rob the night before and had been invited to meet him and Lenny out for dinner. My classes ended at 6:45PM which gave me barely enough time to drive to Lenny's house and await Rob's arrival. I walked through Lenny's back door and not a minute later Rob walked through the front. Lenny rode with Rob and I followed. 

We went to a small local neighborhood Italian restaurant that Rob and Lenny frequent on an almost weekly basis. The owner smiled and greeted us, joking around with Rob and Lenny. A gay couple sat in the booth behind Rob (I sat beside Lenny). One man was gorgeous. I'd assume him to be in his forties, Latino with very dark hair (black with a little salt and pepper on the sides). He wore stylish glasses and dressed far nicer and more professional than his parter. The partner had a buzzed head with a lot of gray. He was really butch, both were to be exact, one just more in a metrosexual way than the other. They were an odd pair, but had been together for years according to Rob. The latin guy must have been related to Frida Kahlo judging by the single tremendous brow spanning across his forehead. He was still very distinct and attractive, and in some sort of strange way, he looked fine with the unibrow. 

Dinner was absolutely superb. I had the chicken souvlaki. It was very Greek. It came with a greek salad, pita bread, some sort of marinated chicken that had been grilled, and fries. I ate the slowest out of the three. Dinner conversation was casual if I can remember correctly, but to be honest, Lenny and Rob ate so quickly, it must have been me doing all the talking. Talks of shopping sprung up after dinner, so it was voted on and decided that we'd hit a couple shops. We went to T.J.Maxx and looked around for half an hour or so. I ended up grabbing an Abercrombie tee and an American Eagle polo (the only decent thing in XS). I was the only one who bought anything surprisingly. Lenny is the big shopper and since he's so particular about what he likes (he is a local fashion icon), I can't be but so surprised he left empty handed. 

We went out to the bar very early. I sat down and had a drink or two before Ryan called. I figured he wouldn't want to come out, so I told him, "I'm just here hanging out with Rob and Lenny. I was waiting for you to get off work, so whenever you're ready, let me know and I'll come over and we can start getting ready and go from there." He ended up calling me back only to tell me to stay there and that he'd meet me. Rob works early mornings, so it was no surprise when he decided to duck out around eleven. I agreed to drive Lenny back home at the end of the night and that all would be fine. 

Ryan showed up eventually. It really hadn't been too busy inside. A guy walked in that I had seen earlier on in the evening. He had been there before Ryan arrived, drinking quietly and devoting all of his attention to doing something on his LG Voyager cell phone. I kept waiting for him too look up so I could walk over and introduce myself but he never did. He left and was now back. I pointed him out to Ryan. "That's the guy that was here earlier." I didn't look to see where he went when he walked past me, but Ryan could see since he was facing in that direction.

"Well apparently he knows Jason." I turned around to see the two hugging and it clicked. My jaw dropped when I watched them hug and smile. I know why he looked familiar. I'd seen him on the Gay.com chat one night and we spoke briefly. He has a couple of small dogs and really struck me as the homebody type. He mentioned the fact that he worked in retail and it eventually came out that he is the man that Jason (my ex-boyfriend) answers to. I quickly told Jason who this mystery man was and told Frank I wanted to talk to him at the other end of the bar. Frank was in the middle of pouring a drink.

"Is this one from you?" he asked, holding up a glass and motioning over to the mystery man. 

"Yeah, go ahead and put it on my tab." I just wanted to be nice, but now it was starting to be more out of spite than anything. Frank dropped the drink and informed him that the gentleman at the other end of the bar had got the drink for him. I showed no emotion on my face, nor did I even look at him to see if he was looking at me. I'm sure Jason immediately made comments seeing as his ex-boyfriend, yours truly, had purchased his boss a cocktail. Frank came over to me and I spilled the beans. "THAT is why he looked so familiar. I bet you Jason is over there talking shit about me right now."

"Oh no baby, I really don't think he'd do that. He really just wants everyone to get along. He and I had a very long conversation the other day. He called me and we talked." Frank could have really had me going if I had let him, but not that night. Before the conversation could be continued, this man came up to me and put his hand on my back as I leaned over a bar table facing Frank.

"Did you buy me a drink?" he asked.

"Yes, I did." I don't think I hardly made eye contact with him.  He shook my hand and thanked me, claiming to be "very appreciative," and that hopefully he could sometime "return the favor." He walked off without ever saying his name or mentioning the fact that we'd spoke online before. It was the most terrible performance of gratitude I think I've ever been forced to witness. 

I walked across the bar to where Lenny was standing at the time and we lit up cigarettes and spoke briefly about nothing particularly important. When I turned back to the bar, I saw Ryan sitting and staring in the direction of Jason and his boss. Ryan didn't look happy. His eyes were sharp and somewhat squinted. His arms were folded. "What's wrong?" I asked. 

"They're talkin' shit." He looked at me then. "You wanna know how I know? Because when you walked over there to talk to Lenny, they were talking and both turned and looked at you the same time and started laughing."

My blood started boiling. My smile straightened out and the light in my eyes went out and was replaced by fire. "I'm going to say something. I'm fucking pissed!" I was about to go over to them when Ryan grabbed my wrist.

"No, don't say anything. Just calm down, it's not worth it." I'm so non-confrontational it's not even funny. That evening was entirely unlike all the other nights. This time, I felt like I couldn't take it any more. I wasn't going to sit around and have my good deeds turned around in my face. Jason had ruined my reputation to that man at least. 

Ryan followed me to the other end of the bar. Frank came up to us. I was staring at Jason and the other guy. "What's wrong fellas?" Frank did look genuinely concerned as he spoke to us. We tried to simplify the story. Frank went on and on about how "Jason wouldn't do that. He really wouldn't. He wants everyone to get along. I spoke with him." He went on and on about it until I just cut him off. 

"Frank, people will blindly betray your trust... He's smarter than that Frank. You know he knows better than to talk about us around you. He's smarter than to do that." Frank shut up. Ryan went on to tell him that we had a lot of history with Jason between the two of us. My drag queen CoraVette Colby was in the house in her guy form that night (Omar). He was more concerned about my well being than I was at that point.

"I don't like to see you sad like this boo."

"I'm not sad, I'm just really pissed off."

"Who pissed you off? I'll take care of it!" Cora means well but I wasn't about to have her making a fool out of herself just for my sake. It was sweet though. Omar/Cora even bought me a drink. After I finished that, I decided I was too angry and just needed to leave. 

I was two seconds away from walking out the door when Ryan stopped me. 

"Aren't you taking Lenny home tonight?"

"Oh SHIT! Yeah, I am. Thanks for reminding me. That would've been pretty bad."

He put his hand over his mouth and laughed and so did I. It was pretty bad. We looked over to see Lenny talking to this guy with a shaved head and a goatee. He was obviously interested but the guy had had it with Lenny's intoxicated state. When I told Lenny I was ready to go, he said he was too and mumbled something about the guy next to him hating him, so he was ready to leave anyways. After ten minutes, his drink was still at the same level and he was still working on this guy who he claimed hated him. He was overboard at that point. Lenny finally got away and we left. Ryan went home, and I took Lenny home before returning myself back to my bed. 

Weekend, and the CoPo Reunion

After working for a week straight at the bank, it was no secret that I was in need of leaving town since it was technically my spring break week. By a series of fortunate events, I was able to forego working on Saturday morning. It just so happened that a coworkers son was ill at school on Friday, which caused her to be dismissed from work early. In turn, my boss made her go in on Saturday and I was given the day off. 

I had a dinner date with my friend Mark on Friday night, and since I was off the hook for Saturday morning, I could stay out late if I wanted to. Mark and I met for dinner a little after seven. We both sat down and started talking while we waited to be greeted in the bar-like atmosphere. Mark ordered a New Castle beer and I had diet coke. The conversation started casual enough,  but we really dove deep into some serious topics and dinner progressed. We talked about work and coming out stories, embarrassing moments, and family relations. One beer turned into a couple for Mark. I talked more once I finished my chicken alfredo. I only managed to eat half before asking for a box. Mark and I talked and laughed and took turns talking. He would warn me when I spoke too loudly. We'd laugh, both decide we didn't give a fuck, and that I would back Mark up if he had to fight the guy in the booth behind me. We both finished, and I drank a couple cups of coffee as a band set up their equipment in the restaurant. We listened to them play a couple songs before deciding that we had to leave. We left Mark's car there and I drove us both back to my house so I could use the bathroom (since the one at the restaurant was very small and exposed and I didn't feel comfortable using it since it was a straight bar/restaurant). We left Hampton in my car and headed down to Skip's in Norfolk. 

At Skips, Mark taught me how to play darts. I would have really good throws, and throws that would land two darts on the floor and one on the outskirts of the board. It was looking close towards the end, but Mark's accuracy won him the game of 301 that we played together. We didn't hang out too long before we went back home. I took him to his car, said goodnight, and headed back home. 

I left home on Saturday morning around eleven. I made pretty good time getting down to the Outer Banks. I got to Manteo two hours after I left my house. Victoria greeted me from the second story balcony of her uncle's beach house. It was really windy, but would have otherwise been a very comfortable day. Her hair was wavy and unkempt in the wind although it was clearly clean and natural. She hadn't put on her makeup yet. She crossed her arms in an attempt to conserve body heat. She looked so great. I hugged her and pulled my back up to the front door. I finished a cigarette to help de-stress me from the easy but hectic drive. Vic ran in to beat the cold and I stayed until I finished the cig. 

When I came inside, I was greeted by Michael, Victoria's boyfriend, who was setting up an elaborate board game called HeroScape. I claimed a bed before anyone else got to the house and hung out at the kitchen table with Vic and Mike. Michael finally got the board set up. I played a game with small figures that looked like samurai's and vikings. I was the viking team and Michael was the samurai's. He kicked my ass and killed every one of my army before I killed the first on his team. It was all about rolling dice and the combination of skulls and shields each player rolled. Apparently someone shit on my dice before I would roll. 

Victoria's sister Caitlin was the first to walk through the door after my entrance. After Cait, Cait's boyfriend John came in, and then his friends Lee and Miles (both guys). Victoria's cousin Sarah showed up with a younger unidentified male. Sarah's uncle owns the house. Sarah's guest was none other than her younger brother Roy. Roy was quite a character. Sarah had warned Roy that there would be a gay guy in the house but told him that I was pretty cool and that he'd get along fine with me. After the first few minutes, Roy found Sarah in the crowded house and told him that I was quite possibly the coolest one in the whole house. I was really glad that this small minded Poquoson guy thought I was a pretty fun guy. I worked extra hard for the rest of the evening to keep everyone laughing and having a good time. I felt like I really had to work on Roy to make him realize that all gay people aren't terrible people. 

The whole gang emptied plastic and paper bags out into the freezer as soon as they got to the house. There was a rather fast-growing collection of liquor. The freezer became quite the liquor museum. Bottles gathered in the door on three shelves. Two shelves on the interior were inhabited by good men such as Jim, Jose, Jack, and our feathered friend Gray. Malibu was also in the ranks followed by some amaretto and Bacardi Superior. Everyone was getting hungry for dinner but John first wanted to do a shot. He convinced me to do it, claiming it wasn't that bad and that his girlfriend Caitlin had even tried it. Upon this remark of his she spoke up, "It tastes like fingernail polish remover." This was the comfort I'm sure I needed at the moment but I fixed a chaser of orange juice and prepared myself anyways. I had to prove to the guys early on that I was an equal contender and that I was man enough too. 

John fixed up five shots for most of the guys. The four horsemen, as it's called, is made of Jim Beam, Jack Daniels, Jose Cuervo, and Bacardi 151 (quite the surprise that this lethal liquor-wonder found it's way to the freezer). The shots were small thankfully. The red solo cups gathered in the center of the kitchen for a quick cheers before their liquid interiors disappeared into separate stomachs to work on and burn. I finished all but a tiny swig on the first gulp. I chased it quickly as a drop or two left the corner of my mouth. It was tough to keep down, but I managed. Sarah found some Duck tape that we used to write our names on and affix to the now empty cups so they wouldn't get mixed up when the real party started after our dinner out. 

Five of us piled into John's SUV. Victoria's car contained her and Michael, Sarah and Roy. John's whole crew was in his vehicle and it just so happened that I rode with them to break up the two groups of people. We didn't drive too far down the main road in Manteo before parking in the small parking lot of a tiny independent seafood joint. Nine of us loudly entered making our entrance quite an interesting sight for the staff I'm sure. It's the off season, so I'm sure they aren't used to having parties larger than three or four. We were seated at the back of the restaurant in a larger room. We were getting a little loud. The guys were the main concern since we had quite a high concentration of booze swimming around in our stomachs being soaked up by nothing at all other than our stomach walls. Out empty stomachs growled as we quickly raped the menu's contents and picked the first appealing entree. Orders were placed and a couple salads were dropped in front of the proper females. Before salads were even finished the entrees arrived. Everyone ate and laughed and was entertain. Other tables started to fill up in the room and the staring match began. Other tables in the vicinity started taking an active interest in our table. We finished the food quickly. Victoria passed her uneaten shrimp to Roy who hadn't ordered any food. Sarah and I split the chicken fingers and split the rest of Caitlin's shrimp. Michael's skinny body had already felt the effects of the alcohol. He tipped his empty plate towards his face and slurped the rest of the gravy from his hamburger steak as his girlfriend Victoria tried to not watch but focused her efforts mainly in contorting her face into positions that made me want to vomit more than the sheer fact that Michael was drinking gravy off his plate. Everyone had finished eating but before the checks were dropped, one more surprise would surface. Five servers walked up, one holding a goblet of ice cream and cake with a single candle on top. Everyone sang happy birthday to Victoria. Her 21st is on the 13th but this was the early celebration. Her sister Caitlin had worked out the secret deal with the server somehow without ever being noticed. It was good. Everyone in the dining room watched us, and I didn't feel so guilty for being so loud anymore. It was a celebration and we were here for Victoria.  We cashed out and left. 

Once back at the house, the drinks started being poured. I decided I was going to pace myself. It was only six or six thirty when we started drinking. We played several rounds of the card game "Kings" and all had quite a few laughs in between. I grabbed beer out of the fridge for Roy, opening each one to prove to him how great of a guy I was, but also pushing him to see if he'd draw a line. He never did, but I wasn't hitting on him either. During a cigarette break, Roy's sister Sarah joined me outside. 

"Roy is so crazy, he's a trip. Is he only like this when he drinks?" I asked.

"No, he's like this all the time." 

"He's a Leo isn't he?" I asked.

"Yeah, how'd you know?! That's crazy!"

Roy was obviously a Leo. He wasn't even that drunk when he started ignoring the rules to the game, making a scene, and hogging all the spotlight. He was definitely the ferocious Leo that had to have the spotlight. My best friend Ryan is a Leo, so I know enough about them to be able to readily identify them. We went back inside to keep playing. We refilled and refilled and refilled as the drinking game quickly lowered our drinks even though they somehow magically recovered and I never saw the bottom of a Solo cup throughout the night. I was drinking Jack and coke for most of the evening. I mixed them weak so I could last through the night and not throw up. It's a good thing I paced myself, otherwise I'd have never made it through. 

Drama sprung up eventually as it does in the middle of all good times. Michael is so thin, he became so drunk he could hardly keep his head up. Roy was being obnoxious and made the poor move of bringing up the subject of Victoria's ex boyfriend. Vic ended up crying at that point but I just ignored it and talked to Caitlin, Lee, and Miles to try to at least keep us buzzed. They worked out their stuff and Vic turned off the tears. Later, on another cig break, I held my cigarette up to Caitlin's lips to ask her if she wanted a drag, but before she could decide, she looked into the house to see her boyfriend looking right at her and he was obviously furious. She ran inside and the second battle broke out. It took a good half hour for those two to recover. The music kept playing and we had a great time. 'Gray Goose' played and we all danced like birds and took pictures of each other taking swigs out of the GG bottle. We drank it straight. That was a trip. 

The final round of drama was the sobering moment for everyone. Roy had drank more than his fair share. The next morning, it was determined that he drank about sixteen beers and two to three shots. Roy decided he wanted to fight John. Naturally, John wasn't going to fight. Roy was smiling about it, saying he just wanted to 'throw down'. I tried to level with him once he didn't stop. "Roy, if you want to hit someone, just hit me." He smiled and said he didn't want to fight me. Michael sat him down after another ten minutes of him trying to get John to fight with him. I was starting to get mad so I went to the fridge and grabbed a box of beer. I passed out full cans to everyone in the room as Michael continued to talk to Roy. It was understood that if Roy tried to hit anyone, we would beat him repeatedly in the head with full beer cans until he was out cold. Of course this would have probably never happened but this was my drunken idea of a scare tactic. It was more like a silent protest. I told everyone to just shut up and hold onto the beer. 

Then Roy got sloppy. He got up and fell down a couple times. I decided I'd seen enough. Everyone was sitting on couches and we were pissed and quickly sobering up. I went to the bedroom. I was drunk, but still able to lay down. I heard things escalate to new levels as everyone moved outside. Sarah, Roy's brother, who had been in bed was now awake and moving her shit out to the car to take Roy and her home at three in the morning. Victoria was crying hysterically and shouting to Sarah and Roy, "If anything ever happens, I'll never forgive myself!" They didn't leave. I don't know why they stayed, but they did. I heard Michael pull Roy into the back bedroom next to mine. He was telling him that the cops had been called and that the neighbors called to let them know they'd be showing up. The cops never were called, and since the house had no land line, there was no possible way the neighbors could have called to warn us. Michael was obviously tired of putting up with Roy.

"You stay inside this room and if you come out I'm going to beat the shit out of you!" he was yelling now. "If you want to fight somebody, you're going to fight me right now!" That was it. He stayed, and I fell asleep. 

The next day I was up around ten. I ate a bowl of Reese's Pieces with Vic. A few other people were awake including Roy, who was laughing and smiling like nothing happened the night before. I tried to joke about it to play it down, but it was obvious that more people than just myself were holding secret grudges. I told Roy, "Man, even I was starting to get pissed. I was literally two seconds away from getting out of bed, putting my clothes on and coming out there to riverdance on your fuckin' face until you bled from the ears!" I shuffled my boots on the floor, made a funny face, and started whipping my head around. Everyone laughed, and I did too until I pulled a muscle in my neck. Victoria showed me the parrot sculpture that she broke the night before when she was cleaning up the piss that was all over the bathroom floor thanks to Roy. She'd already decided that Roy was going to take the fall for the broken parrot, and everyone else quickly agreed that if anything had gone wrong at all, Roy deserved to take full responsibility for everything. 

I gathered my things and drove home with one very sore neck. I couldn't even turn it. I had to hold up a compact mirror to check my blind spot before making lane changes. I got home in two hours and fell onto my bed. I had called his guy Ryan on Saturday night to set up a hang-out date on Sunday once I got back. I called him around two when I was almost home. I left a voicemail but never heard back from him. I slept from two until seven. I called him when I got up after I saw that he hadn't returned my call. His phone went straight to voicemail and I was suddenly ready to write him off. 

I was wide awake after taking the extended nap. I picked up Miranda and drove down to Norfolk to go to Skips. This time there was a different bartender who decided to be a dick. I ordered a diet coke and he carded me. I was ordering a coke, I mean, was he serious? He told me it was a 21 and up bar. "But I don't want to drink, I was just going to have a diet coke, and you're telling me I can't even just hang out?" I put my cigarette out on a bar chair just to prove a point and it caught on fire. Just kidding. I was pissed but I took my cigarette back outside with me before I put it out in the parking lot. I drove Miranda home but I was still hell bent on going out. I drove to the Corner Pocket. I know I wasn't supposed to go, but it was my last option, and I was not going home. I got there at one.

Frank: NO WAY! (smiling brightly) Baby, where have you been?

I hugged him. I was smiling and I wasn't about to be mean about it. I hung out with Frank and talked to him for the remaining open hour at the bar. I drank two drinks and Frank wouldn't let me pay, but said he'd missed me and it was on him. I smiled and thanked him. We had a really good chat, and since there were only two other people in the bar, we got a lot of bases covered. I left at quarter to two. 

I woke up late today but still managed to get to work on time. My neck was still locked up. The bank was all sorts of short staffed and I was actually made to do work. I was pretty pissed about it, but managed to make it through the day without moving my neck too much. I went to my pilates class and got to leave early since I was unable to do the normal movements. I went to my second job and while there, called and set up a doctor's appointment on Thursday morning. I can't wait to get there, I'm in so much pain. 

After work, I was laying down taking a nap when I heard my phone ring. It was a text message notification. I had sent Ryan a text today since I didn't hear from him Sunday and a one time last stand just to say what's up and how he was doing. He wrote me saying his phone went dead on Sunday and he was really sorry. I told him to call, and after a few minutes, he did. I smiled and joked as I talked to him, and I could hear him smiling too. He said he was going to be watching movies and just hanging out tonight. He was in his PJ's. He said he didn't really want to watch any of his DVD's since he'd seen them all already. I offered to come over and bring mine and hang out for a while. I have to be at class at 8AM tomorrow, but I did manage to work in a quick nap again today, so I think I'll be fine. He said he'd have to shower and the place was a wreck. At first he said he just couldn't (I could hear him smiling) but eventually said he was going to straighten up and give me a call back. I'm waiting right now. He's been cleaning for a few minutes and may even be in the shower. If he doesn't call me back, that's the last hair. We'll see how it plays out. 

Maxi-Pregaming

Last night I got back in the game. It wasn't a very classy game, but I was still in it nonetheless. I spoke with Ryan on a cigarette break early on in the day. It's spring break week, so naturally he was home and enjoying the down time (me, on the other hand, slaving away at work). He told me to call him at five after I was off work, so I cut the call short and stepped back inside to finish off the work day. 

I had met a guy in the Gay.com chat room named Scott. Unlike most of the men I talk to, Scott was much closer to my own age. Scott is 21 and he lives in Virginia Beach (30-45 minutes from me). His pictures looked good on Gay.com but upon further investigation via Myspace, I started having doubts. We only chatted one night but had exchanged numbers. He'd been texting me nonstop for days. It was fine and I didn't seem to mind too much--at first. It progressed to where I had a string of over 80 messages in my BlackBerry between the his incoming messages to me and my outgoing ones to him. This shit was out of hand. The idea was that I'd go out to Klub Ambush on Tuesday night and he'd meet me out. I was going to spring the idea on Ryan when I got off work and see if he'd take the bait. After texting Scott some more, I learned that afternoon  that he was only 5'8" which isn't necessarily too bad, but his weight was the deciding factor that made me stop and say, "Wait a minute, this isn't going to be pretty." Scott is 200 lbs. NOT HOT. He has a decent face, but I double checked the photos to confirm that YES, his clothes were hiding something, and a LOT of that something (AKA- LARD). Scott is a great guy, sweet face, deep voice, but I'm not going there. I can't. I won't. I'd already dropped a hint that I may be going to Ambush, so his ears were already perked. Work ended and I rushed home. 

I ate quickly and changed my clothes. Ryan and I had a mission, and though it was only six, we were already in a bind for time. I darted up to Newport News as quickly as my car would allow legally and made it there in record time. Ryan and I smoked a cigarette before leaving his place. Rob asked if we were coming back, and mentioned something about, "You're going to Ambush tonight right?" I was slightly confused.

"Yes but I hadn't mentioned that to Ryan yet," Ryan replied. 

"I didn't say anything to you about Ambush earlier today did I? Because I was going to ask you if you wanted to go tonight!" I was in a haze. The funny thing is that Ryan and I haven't been to Ambush together before ever, and it's quite a long haul, so it was more than a strange coincidence that we both had this idea implanted in our heads on this random Tuesday night. Ryan and I extinguished our glowing cigarette embers and headed out the door, leaving behind Rob to the television and his Playstation 3. 

Ryan and I first ran to Off Broadway Shoes. I had this craving for pointy-toed leather boots, and I wanted them in black. I knew that Off Broadway carried this funky brand named Robert Wayne. Mr. Wayne makes some killer boots and is all about the pointy toes, so I just knew I'd find something there. Ryan and I found nothing. All I saw was a halfway decent pair of khaki colored canvas boots by Robert Wayne and they weren't even both the same size. The pair was on clearance for over sixty dollars STILL and consisted of one size nine boot and one size eight boot. The eight was fine, the nine was too large. It wasn't worth it, so we left, both empty handed. 

Ryan and I walked a couple doors down to T.J. Maxx to see if our luck would somehow magically change. Mine did, I don't know if Ryan's did. At first I had a hard time finding something. There's always so much in discount stores like that, so it requires patience and a watchful eye. I started fishing through the condensed "small" section. For some reason, every one of these stores has less than twenty shirts in size small. I guess the demographic for the area only calls for sizes large to triple XL. I found a heather gray American Eagle tee that looked like Am. Eagle had been scribbled across the front in a large Sharpie and then faded and aged. It had some other distressed stuff on it but it wasn't obnoxiously ad-like. I don't like to advertise labels on tees, so I usually stick to something classic that doesn't pull the focus off my face. Around the time I picked this up, I heard Ryan holler to me from behind. He was fishing through a rack and found a pink tee in my size. "Read this." He pointed to a circular sticker on the bottom of the shirt. 'This is a unique Juicy garment..." It was a one-of-a-kind Juicy Couture tee shirt. I nearly shit twice and died. I snatched it out of his hands, smiling from ear to ear. I looked a little more but to no avail; I'd already found more than what I was looking for. 

We walked to a store or two more in the strip but found nothing, so we left for the mall. I was disappointed in our poor luck with the black pointy boots, but I knew ALDO had something like what I was in need of. We went into ALDO first. I'm a bargain shopper, so I immediately checked the bottom shelf with the marked down shoes. I found a pair of black mock-snake skin leather boots with gold flecks embossed on top of the black snake skin texture. They were about $70 on sale. The gentleman working the store asked if we needed help and also told us that "It's fifty percent off of the yellow ticketed price." Ryan and I looked at each other wide-eyed, our hair nearly standing on end. We both tried on about three pairs before leaving. I left with two boxes, and Ryan with one. I bought a pair of dark dark dark chocolate brown pointy toed boots and the black and gold pointy snake skin boots. They both have a small stacked heel, so I get added height and I LOVE the pointy toes (if you haven't figured that out by now, you're just thick-headed). We hit a couple more stores in the mall, but I was done. Ryan picked up a couple tee shirts before he was ready to get out. 

We went to the ABC store before they closed. Ryan came out with a brown paper bag, what it concealed was a force so strong, it would rock my night. He bought Absolut Pear. We hit Taco Bell up to get a grande combo for Rob and his friend Angie. The guy at the drive through window was extremely attractive and fell under 'fantasy-matial' in my book as he was wearing a uniform and had a great body and matching face. He was thin, with short dark hair and big fake diamonds in both ears. He had facial hair running in a single neat line running across his jawbone. He had dark hair and sparkling green eyes. He made great eye contact when the window opened. Ryan gave me the money for the food from the passenger seat and I passed it over. The guy handed me the change back and started speaking again. He asked if we would stay parked at the first window since the food wasn't ready and he'd motion for us to pull up when it was. His voice was so damn southern it didn't remotely match the white-thug image he seemed to portray. He was a diamond in the rough though for sure. "Do you think he's family, Ryan?" I asked. 

"Definitely. He was hitting on us." Ryan said that when we pulled forward he leaned out the window to look back at us. Strange. 

We then swung by Target to pick up some Sprite to mix with the pear vodka. We headed back to Ryan's. It took two of us to get everything in the house. It was a sight. I'm sure we looked like shopping addicts. Rob immediately smiled sarcastically and asked what the damage was. The attitude was equally matched by Ryan who grew defensive at Ryan's moodiness. Minutes passed and Rob mentioned that Chris had called for Ryan. I heard Rob say something about Chris and I heard my name. I turned and saw him covering his mouth with his hand and he said, "Oops." 

"That was just rude." Ryan was upset.  Rob said something about me and I don't know what it was. Ryan scolded him for not using more tact in his timing. I don't know what was said but I was a little uncomfortable for a while. Ryan and I changed and I slipped on my new boots and my pink Juicy tee shirt. I smoked a cigarette and started working on Ryan's face. Concealer, tinted moisturizer, and he was flawless in all aspects of the word. Ryan put on his new boots, the same as mine but with silver instead of gold. He wore a white tee with a black suit vest on top, and some great dark jeans. I decided it was time to start pregaming. I pulled out the French crystal cocktail classes that I bought for Ryan and Rob for Christmas. They hadn't been used once yet. I pulled off the stickers and went to put the ice cubes in them. There was no ice. The soda was room temperature and so was the vodka. It wasn't a great sign, but Ryan poured the drinks anyway. He said, "You'll need a lot, and I'll need a little." I didn't plan on spending any more money out, so it was up to Ryan and the Absolut Pear to take care of me and do me off early in the evening. The mission was to do a little mini-pregaming and get a good buzz that would last for a while. Ryan's idea of the pregaming quickly extended from  mini-pregaming to MAXI-pregaming. Ryan said he would drive us down to the club and he would take my car. He would pick up Chris since he needed a ride, but I told him Chris would have to find his own ride home because I hate having to round people up at the end of the night to get them home. I had two cocktails at Ryan's house. Ryan told me to get my water bottle out of the car. Ryan mixed my third and final/strongest drink which was to be finished off before arriving to our final destination. 

Ryan and I rocked out in the car to "Out Anthems" from Ultra Records. The CD was nonstop club anthems engineered and mix to every gay man's liking. Ryan and I sang out loud, and I danced in the passenger seat while I nursed my drink. We got to Chris's house and went inside. Ryan had left a bottle of Absolute Pear there, so he mixed me one more drink and topped off the bottle I had. When we got there, I was feeling very nice. It wasn't very busy at all. The three of us found a table off to the side. We smoked cigarettes and talked. I walked around a little bit to give Chris and Ryan a little more privacy to talk.

The history between Chris and Ryan is very strange. It's a twisted story, but I'll do my best to fill you in. Ryan and Chris used to be best friends and roommates. Chris liked Ryan in a strange way. He would say hurtful things and be overall quite nasty to Ryan, but there were always sexual undertones (this is what I have come to understand on my own). There was some sort of jealousy or tension there on Chris's part. Ryan wasn't interested in Chris romantically. Chris was dating this guy Rob. Rob and Chris were living there and so was Ryan. Chris left town for a while with work, and subsequently this left Rob and Ryan in the house together. Chris had been bullying his boyfriend Rob and Ryan had to intervene on several occasions. Chris can be a violent and abusive person at times. I think that he has since calmed down and changed his ways a lot. Rob split from Chris at this point while Chris was still gone. It was pretty impersonal from what I understand. Ryan then started dating Rob. They're still together too, might I add. I know it sounds a little weird. Well, Chris found out about this and came home livid of course. Ryan and Rob moved out and got their own place. Ryan cut off his cell phone, he changed his phone number, and didn't mention to anyone where he was living. At this point in time, I lost contact with Ryan. He would block his number if he happened to call (on rare occasions). Chris tried to hunt them down. He was violently angry and would harass Ryan at his work place. Ryan eventually got in contact with me and I got the new home phone number. Ryan and I reunited and sewed our friendship back together. It was a big loss not having him for those months. He was my single best friend at that time, so I was a little bitter with him for leaving for so long. We were fine and things went back to almost-normal. Things with Chris eventually died down. I am still ignorant on when their rapport improved and they became friends again. So with all that said, this is why I tried to give them a little space to talk. 

I became a little sloppy as my blood alcohol content increased. I became a little friendly with Chris. I normally would have had beef with him. I'd heard the stories and heard what he was capable of, and after knowing this, what he'd done in the past never really settled well with me. Last night I buried the hatched and pretended as if I were meeting him all over again for the first time. We were cordial and I was friendlier than normal thanks to the vodka. I started leaning on Chris. I started rubbing his back as I stumbled from one side of the table to the other (moving from Chris to Ryan and from Ryan back to Chris). Chris was equally friendly. He'd wrap his arms around me from behind, and I kissed him a couple of times. I mean, I KISSED HIM, and not just a peck. Thinking of this now, soberly, my stomach twists and I'm embarrassed that it happened. I'm sure I must have been QUITE a sight. Ryan moved his arms and spilled his rum and diet. The waitress came over and cleaned the bar table off as Ryan apologized profusely throughout the scene. Not even twenty minutes later, I reached across the table for some reason for another, and in a drunken fit of clumsiness, managed to knock over Ryan's glass a SECOND time after it had just been refilled. I went to pick up the ice cubes. Ryan and Chris both warned me to stop at once since the glass hadn't simply fallen over, but I'd managed to break it. I picked up the pieces delicately figuring that I was invincible at this point and no freak accidents would occur. I wouldn't lose a finger, and I wouldn't end up with stitches or even a scrape. Luck WAS on my side fortunately enough. I went to tell the waitress that I'd done it this time. I smiled and apologized. I bought Ryan's next drink. 

We moved to the other side of the bar. Ryan pointed out this guy in a green striped polo sitting at the end of the bar, exclaiming several times how cute he was. I walked over to him after a while just so Ryan would leave it be. I introduced myself. His name was Gary. I stumbled and had to take a step to the left to compensate for my poor footing as I extended my hand to meet his in a traditional American introduction kind of way. I asked a couple questions, he feigned interest. I'm sure I was just too intoxicated to appeal to him, but truth-be-told, I looked damn good. My hair was wind blown and swept gently across my brows. 

Chris had his ride home. I waited for Ryan to finish saying goodbye to everyone he needed to. Ryan too my keys and escorted me back to the car. He started driving back home and then it's a blur. I guess I kinda grayed out, not blacked out. The rain started coming down so hard, we had to slow down to 25 miles per hour on the interstate. It pounded on the roof of the car with such intensity, I expected to see dents all over my car today as if we'd weathered baseball-sized hail. It let up after I prayed. Ryan laughed and told me to pray, and in my drunken state, I still managed to get one good prayer out. I dozed off several times. Ryan was well aware of my state at this point. I tried to hold everything down and make it back. The rain let up and we did manage to make it back to Newport News where it was hardly sprinkling at all. Ryan stopped at a 7 Eleven, refusing to let me carry on without filling me with cheap ready-made food. Ryan came back to the car and woke me up again. I smiled weakly as he passed me the plastic bag, handing me a Dasani bottle of water, a turkey sandwich, and some veggie chips that tasted pretty good. Ryan made me come inside to eat. I finished the food quickly and surprisingly was able to hold my eyes open for the first time in almost an hour. I drank all the water and got into my car. I drove home, ever-vigilant. I pulled into the driveway and made it inside at 3:15AM. I stripped down and fell asleep quickly. 

I woke up early this morning to get ready for work. I had earned myself four lousy hours of sleep last night. I found a bottle of water next to me from who-knows-when and immediately drank the whole thing hoping it would take away my terrible headache. It worked for a few minutes. I grabbed a banana nut bread muffin that my mom had made and ran out the door for work, already ten minutes late. I felt terrible all morning. I painstakingly smoked cigarettes with Nicole even though I was still over-smoked from the night before. My legs felt weak as if they would give out at any moment. I worked in the filing room all morning and managed to leave by 12:15PM. I came home and changed my clothes. I left after one to meet my boss from my second job.

The two of us met up at JCPenney because we were going to SEPHORA inside Penneys.  Bosslady and I talked about makeup and I recited all of the information that I learned in training when I worked for SEPHORA. We picked out a liquid foundation for her but she wanted to see what it looked like when she wore it. Unfortunately the associate assisting us was none other than my boss who was the ultimate reason that I quit. She is this young Puerto Rican girl that is all attitude and is on a power trip 7 days a week. She was promoted to manager after the former one left due to pregnancy complications. Jackie was the PR girl that I had grown to hate. I had been back several times after I quit but had managed to avoid her altogether up until today. Bosslady and I snuck samples out of the drawers where I knew they still were hiding. I tried to be very discreet. Jackie later on approached me and asked me if I'd like a bag for my samples. This is her nonchalant way of being a total raging bitch. She says these things with the utmost stuck-up and serious voice. She's the queen of shooting looks that can bore holes through your soul. This girl is nuts. She started the demonstration, applying the makeup to my boss. She put on the liquid foundation by Cargo. Bosslady (I'll call her BL from here on out) felt like she had some redness still showing. Because of this, Jackie went and got a redness corrector, wiped her slate clear and started over again. This worked out a little better. BL wanted to try out the new Cargo Blu Ray collection of makeup designed for actors and actresses being filmed in high definition. This professional grade makeup turned out pretty good. The blush was a good match and the pressed powder worked out pretty fine too. BL found a lipstick to try but it wasn't what she had expected. Jackie went and grabbed another color. BL hated that too, claiming it was too pink, or it just didn't look right. I know that BL can be pretty tough to handle at times, but she keeps it real, she's honest, and she'll always come through if you help her out. Since BL didn't like the lipstick, she wiped that one off and asked Jackie, "What color do you recommend. You have free reign, pick whatever you think would work." 

Jackie looked at her in a very bored but slightly serious sort of way, started to squint her eyes, and replied, "Well you didn't like the one I just picked out, so what do you want? You want lighter or darker or what?" It didn't really SOUND rude, but it was close enough to it that my blood started boiling. I kept it cool until we left after making Jackie write down everything that she used on BL. She didn't even buy anything, but I'm sure she'll be back tomorrow to get that foundation and the Blu Ray Cargo set. We jumped over to Target after SEPHORA and managed to pick up some skin care items to test out and write about for April. We bummed around there and looked at makeup lines for a bit too. Our last stop for the afternoon was Dunkin Donuts. We grabbed iced coffee and left, not staying inside to drink, but just leaving. We spoke in the parking lot for a while, and I did a lot of reflecting about my relationship with this 42 year old woman that has become my favorite adult diva. She's such an amazing woman; she is an inspiration to all who come in contact with her. I smiled at her one last time before sliding down onto the leather seats of my car, opening the sunroof and rolling down the windows, and turning my key in the ignition and pulling away from her. The sun was shining all day. It was warm on my face. It was 68 degrees all day long but has cooled down this evening. Daylight savings time is on Sunday. I'll be in Manteo down in the outer banks of North Carolina on Saturday and Sunday. I'm ready for a vacation.

The Male Review:

The 200 lb 21 year old Scott in Virginia Beach has been blowing up my phone nonstop. He texts all day and just called. I igged his call purposefully since writing is my sole desire at the moment. I don't plan on returning it either. Instead of being forthright and telling him that his weight will be an issue, I am going to just fade away gracefully. He sent me a message today saying, "Can I call you sexy or sweetie?" I never responded. I don't even want to get into it and have to be ugly about it, because ugly or not, it's not going to sound very nice. He kept asking when we'd be able to meet up. I avoided the issue saying that I work until five, he goes in at four, it's just not looking good. He suggested calling out of work to be able to meet, I said NO. I'm going to just play the 'busy' card until he gets the idea. He asked about Thursday night and if I'd meet him out at the bar; I said I had plans. SCORE! Gained myself a little more time. A few more 'busy' days and he'll bail. 

This guy named Terrell who is 20 I think and lives in Williamsburg has been texting my phone morning and night for close to a week now. I usually don't respond mainly because 

1. I am not attracted to black guys (but somehow I gave him my number thinking we'd be friends)

2. He is young and I'd honestly prefer a more mature man

and finally 3. The bitch works at McDonalds.

He kept on asking when we'd be able to hang out. He wouldn't let it rest. Finally I said "baby doll this isn't going to happen. i work two jobs and go to school full time. i just don't have the time for this right now." He got the idea. I wished him luck and said goodbye. Thank God, that's one down, now to get rid of my big boy. 

I talked to a Jewish man named Lucien who was very nice. He is older, retired very early, and has a good personality. His big drawback is that he carries a little extra weight on him. It is fixable, but I don't know how much weight he's working with. The picture I saw looked pretty decent to me, but even I am very aware of clothes' ability to hide flaws and accentuate assets. I stupidly forgot to save his number after we got off the phone the other night, so I shot him an e-mail asking for the number. No response. Maybe this is a good thing.

That's it. Nothing else. I have my eyes peeled. 

Social Obligations and the like.

Thursday night was a nightmare. The original plans for Thursday were to go shopping with Ryan after class and then go to 80's Night at the Wave down in Norfolk with Andrew (Ryan too of course). Last week when Ryan had bailed, he agreed to make it out the following Thursday. Naturally he was looking forward to it as far as I was concerned, and no clouds were in sight. I got a phone call from Ryan when I was between classes. He said he wasn't going to be able to make it out. Surprise surprise. "That's okay, just call me later." Ryan offered to still meet me out and do a little shirt shopping. I just figured Andrew and I would still be going, we'd have a remarkable time, and it'd be another legendary night. Not too long after Ryan's call, I received one from Andrew.

"I'm not going to be able to make it tonight. I was out really late last night and I slept until one today." Well, this was the last thing I wanted to hear. Thursday night was shot. I had had it. What are the chances of them BOTH canceling just hours apart for no real apparent reason? When I got out of my English class around 7PM, I sat in my car making phone calls. I called Justin from my chemistry lab group. He was playing volleyball on a church league. I called Brent. He didn't answer and the call forwarded directly to voice mail. I called Ryan, and I told him that Andrew bailed on me too. I just decided to go home since I couldn't work up any last minute plans. I didn't want to go home. I was supposed to be out having a great time, and instead, tragedy had struck.

I came home from class and changed my clothes and ate. My dad was watching Syriana in the den on that 50" THING hanging above our fireplace. I wasn't entertained. I took my laptop out of it's case and put it down on the kitchen table. I got onto the gay.com chat room and tried to see if I could find a decent guy. This guy named Brandon wrote to me. His profile mentioned something about loving deeply and about him being burned pretty bad. He was 26, pretty blue eyes, and had a goatee that was perfect. He wore a hat in his picture. He looked like a pretty butch guy. He was military, 26, and didn't live on the other side of the water (which is always a plus). I met a guy named Thomas that was 29. He was Italian, Latino, and something else. I don't remember what he was exactly, but it was the hottest combination I'd ever heard of. I also talked to a guy named Scott that lives five minutes from my house, he's 33, and a real big homebody. He just works, then comes home, strips naked, and watches TV or plays video games. Obviously the 33 year old slacker wasn't at the top of my list. He did a great job of keeping the conversation lively so I must give credit where credit is due. 

After having talked long enough to have exchanged names, occupations, likes and dislikes, and not to mention deciding whether or not these men were capable of being axe murderers, rapists, or serial killers, I decided to drop the bomb on one. I was speaking with the triple delight named Thomas. I asked him if he'd want to catch a late movie with me. He was somewhat of a homebody too. At first he protested due to the time, but after that, quickly followed up with a comment about me being rather young. It's not even worth wasting my breath. Ryan is 29 and he's my best friend. It's kind of offensive when people use my age against me. It's nothing I can really change. Thomas was very good looking. He was average in weight, borderline husky. He had black hair, an amazing five o'clock shadow, gentle eyes, and supple lips that was just full enough. He seemed like a really grounded stable guy. After I knew I wasn't going to be able to budge him, I decided to go work on Brandon. He was already starting to ask me what I had going on anyway. So I asked him if he wanted to meet me out for a movie. 

Brandon had to work at 5AM the following day (Friday) so he opted for a meeting at a bowling alley in an attached bar. I was thrilled. I got dressed quickly while talking to him on the phone for the first time. He sounded like a real down to earth man. He beat me there by a long shot. I had him meet me in the parking lot. He was a little shorter than me. I'm not really keen on that, but I'm willing to compromise. I was introduced to a whole table of people that were his friends. Everyone was friendly, even the rougher looking guys that were attached to some of Brandon's female friends. It was karaoke night in this bar. The only thing good about the entire damn place was that I could smoke inside it. We told jokes with Brandon's friends, and I smoked cigarettes uncomfortably until I loosened up some. Brandon sang a country song and did better than I would have expected. We didn't stay too long because of Brandon's next day work schedule. In the parking lot he walked me over to my car. He hugged me awkwardly and looked at me. I looked at him. Neither of us spoke so I decided to say something, "Well?" I smiled at him.

"I don't know what to do, I mean, am I supposed to ask you back to my place or am I supposed to ask when I'll see you again?" He smiled and looked down with his hands in his pockets. It was a cute gesture, YES, but also, what about me needing to be with a man? I need to be with someone who isn't just going to pussyfoot around the issue and be cutesy about this shit. I need someone who is dominant. But anyways, I said we would hang out again soon, and he walked off to his car. I got in mine, and started driving home. It was still early. I got home around 10:30PM. It was a terrible feeling to think I was almost out of the woods for the night, only to get away for a small portion of the evening. I got back online. Scott the naked couch potato immediately wrote back to me when I got back online. I chatted with him until after midnight. We exchanged numbers and agreed to meet up the next day. 

I did some astrological research on this Scott guy. He's a cancer, I'm a taurus. The cancer/taurus compatibility ranks 10 out of 10. It's quite possibly the strongest bond between all signs on the zodiac. Well, all of this stuff sounded great. Scott acted like he was the tall muscular man that I needed. Well, Friday rolled around, and let me tell you. Friday started out with work at the bank, then pilates class, but my second job was called off. I didn't have to show up. I was given a list of things to do from home or wherever. Since I had some free time, I went up to Yorktown to Michael Hickman the Salon. I had my friend Dallas color, highlight, and cut my hair. She colored it really dark and put a few fine caramel highlights throughout on the top. It turned out great. It was really stunning and was exactly what I needed. After my hair, I went over to Victoria's house to get ready for our arranged birthday dinner for her boyfriend Michael. We all gathered outside. Everyone piled into one car, and I drove separate because I knew that being stuck in Chesapeake was the last thing I needed for my Friday night. I had plans with Scott and I had every intention of keeping them. The crew finally got to the wings restaurant/bar and we ate wings. We ate hot wings, and mild wings, and suicide wings that made our lips swell and our tongues tingle. I drank a lot of water. Michael took shots and Victoria's sister Caitlin drank a cosmo. It was a decent time for a small party of us. I bailed early and booked back towards Hampton to meet up with Scott.

I asked Scott earlier on in the day to think of what he'd like to do when we met up. After much thinking, he decided there was nothing he'd rather do than hang out on the couch and do pretty much.....nothing. Disappointing for me, yes, but I figured I'd give it a shot. By the time I pulled up to Scott's apartment complex, night had already fallen. He put on clothes as I told him I was out front. I walked upstairs and he came to the door. He was wearing a tee shirt and some gym pants. I was terribly unimpressed. His smile was just as I had imagined, but he wasn't as then and rock solid as I would have imagined his physique to be. It was fine. I wouldn't have called him fat, but merely average. He was average in many ways. I guess they say opposites attract, but I really can't say I've had experience with this concept. 

Scott warmed my hands in his when I first got there. He was friendly. We watched an enormous TV that was over 60". I wasn't too entertained, and wanted to lay down. He moved over to another couch in the room and laid down. I curled up in front of him. I was comfortable until he started rubbing up on me. He started grinding and moving his hands over my body. I would never be that forward with someone on a first meeting. It just sends these horrible messages that all you want is sex, and that it doesn't matter what you look like or what your personality is like. It was rather disappointing. I didn't stay too much longer than that. I had to move his hands off of me several times. I left around eleven-ish. I called Ryan as I stood downstairs under an overhang at his complex, smoking a cigarette. It was a waste of a Friday night. Brandon had been average on Thursday, and Scott had practically been nothing but a sex-crazed bum on Friday. 

Saturday rolled around with ease and I hardly realized it had arrived. I worked in the morning. After work I went by Starbucks; I planned to get some work done on my laptop. I got there, ordered my grande skinny vanilla latte and sat down after it was ready. I opened my laptop case and pulled out my laptop. I went to open it, but it was dead. There were no outlets in sight. I closed it back up and put everything away. I sat there for a while just drinking my coffee and listening to my iPod. I watched the people. I kept my eyes on a middle aged woman with great hair who looked like she was avoiding aging pretty well. I watched a gorgeous guy pull up in a new Saab with European plates. He came in, ordered, and disappeared. I smoked a cigarette outside and left. I swung by my grandparents' house but they weren't there, so I came home. My grandparents were already at the house. I found them in the kitchen sitting at the table talking about drama revolving around my aunt and uncle. It was a messy situation, but I sat down and listened to what was said. They left and I hung out. I went to a fish fry with my parents for a while and then left to go to a dinner party. My friend Muning had been cooking all day. She made amazing home made chinese food. We had so much food! I ate a second dinner and nearly exploded. I drank a few beers and met some pretty neat people. Everyone eventually left and I got home myself close to 1AM. 

Sunday I did laundry for most of the day. I went out and met Dallas and her man Brian at the mall in Newport News. Dallas had a $10 off coupon at Victoria's Secret, so after she used that, we left and went to Barnes and Noble. I told Dallas, "I never come here. I don't buy books." Strangely enough, I hit the Sale section and picked up four books that sounded pretty good that were newer books. I also grabbed a teach-yourself-to-speed-read kind of book and headed for the register. I paid, Dallas paid, we found Brian, and we left. I drove to Norfolk to hang out with this guy named Jay. I pulled up uncomfortably to a dark house. He was on the phone with me when I pulled up. I wasn't sure it was the right place. I watched the door open but no lights were turned on. I stepped out of the car hesitantly, not daring to step any closer to the gaping darkness that was the front door. Jay stepped out and I felt a little better. He was nice. We went in and he turned on the TV. We watched a little bit of America's Next Top Model on his huge TV. He drove me to Taco Bell and I got some food. We came back, I ate, and then we watched the second Matrix movie. It was overall very uncomfortable. He was nice, but I wasn't into him at all. I left and came home after ten. 

It's been a very uneventful weekend. I've done things, but no massive reward-reaping has taken place. I'm still looking for a good man. I'm still single, and still very busy at the moment. 

Songs That are [S]HOT

I have to tell you, I've chosen some of the most beautiful songs to tie me to some of the people I've cared for the most in the past. Almost every couple has their own song. You know the type, it's one with great lyrics, a catchy melody, and every time you hear it on the radio, you have to turn it up and sing along, calling your partner at that moment so you can share part of that fleeting moment. It's great to have something as a reminder to make you think of that person. The real issue that follows is this: What do you do after you've severed ties with that person? What happens to the music? 

It's not always a love song though. Sometimes it's a song that reminds you of a certain moment in time. Just as tattoos are said to be 'a permanent reminder of a temporary feeling,' I look at these songs in the same way. 

Song One: "Mad World" by Gary Jules

One of the first songs I can remember having this connection to is one by Gary Jules titled "Mad World." The song was used in the movie "Donnie Darko." The film chronicles the life of a disturbed youth (played by Jake Gyllenhall) who experiences strange paranormal events leading up to his ultimately untimely death. The closing credits roll as this dark and dreary film comes to an end. The accompanying tune: "Mad World" sung by Gary Jules. My first boyfriend committed suicide. I dated him briefly when I was in middle school. He was a year or two older than myself and had been introduced through a mutual friend. He was my first kiss. I spoke briefly of him in my entry describing my coming out experience. When Nick (Brian Nicholas Wood) committed suicide, it had been months since we'd last spoke. He had earned his GED, and at one point was working for K-Mart. I don't think this was where he was working when he passed. His home life was not a healthy one. His mother was a lesbian who didn't seem to mind what her children did, and in my opinion, she didn't keep track of their personal lives either. I remember going to their house one time. She sat on the couch with her partner, never turning their heads as Nick briefly tried to introduce me. Nick's brother was the only heterosexual in the family. Nick's mom was a lesbian, and Nick's grandmother was also a lesbian. Don't ask me how all of this happens. Three generations of a family all attracted to the same sex. Nick was bisexual which only seemed to complicate things. He cheated on me with the mutual friend (my best friend throughout the most delicate years of my life). Nick's brother was involved in a tragic situation where a group of people played Russian roulette. The trigger was pulled and a bullet fired. The bullet didn't hit Nick's brother though. The trigger had been pulled by a friend who was playing. This landed the friend in the hospital. Talks were made of bringing Nick's brother to court. The friend was in intensive care and it wasn't looking good. With things seeming terribly unfavorable, Nick's brother took his own life with a bullet to the head. The blood splashed onto the back of an American flag in his room. Nick's mother was now down one of her two sons. Nick's life had been rather uneventful. His greatest experiences were that of earning his GED and acquiring his driver's license. Nick had a hard time dealing with the situation. I'm sure his mother wasn't a help either. Nick took his own life. He missed his brother so much. Nick's brother was the straight one; he was the only sane one in the family. Nick was in his bedroom. He had prepared a list of songs he wanted played at his funeral. He turned on music. Nick wrapped himself in the American flag that was covered in his brother's blood. He played "Mad World" on repeat. He took four or five zip ties and put them around his neck, pulling them tight. Nick suffocated slowly. His body was found by his mother. "Mad World" was still playing on repeat. At his funeral his requests were honored. "Love Me When I'm Gone" played in the small church sanctuary. I was surrounded by young friends who shed many tears. "Mad World" started playing. I had never heard this song before. I noticed that the sobbing worsened as the song played. I had to ask someone what the significance was. It was terrible, truly terrible. At the viewing, Nick's mother had grown very defensive, threatening guests to not blame her because she'd already heard enough. She seemed stoic, completely void of all emotion. I could see it though. I could see the emptiness in her eyes and a reflection of the void in her soul. After all was over with, I found myself listening to the radio in random places. I'd hear it. I would be in my bed at night listening to songs softly and I'd hear Gary Jules. I was on a marketing field trip for a state competition. We walked into a restaurant to eat and I heard Gary Jules singing from above again. I'd never heard the song before, and certainly never on the radio. It haunted me for months. Just as swiftly as the song came into my life, it left. I felt that Nick had left finally and finished tormenting everyone. 

Nifty Fact:

At Nick's viewing I noticed a boy. He was years older than me, tall, thin, and attractive. I was immediately lured by his bright blue eyes. Months later, a mutual friend actually connected the two of us. Derek was the second guy I dated, and to this date he is the only person I've ever dated and slept with quite regularly. I met my next boyfriend at my first boyfriend's funeral (indirectly though). 

Song Two & Three: "Breathe Me" by Sia / "Bubbly" by Colby Caillat

A lot of time passed between the memory of "Mad World" and of this next song. It's been a somewhat rare occurrence that I share a song with a man because my relationships have been quite short-lived on the whole. Years ago I met a guy online named Jason. Jason and I met for the first time when I was about to graduate high school in 2005. I remember this vividly because we met at TGIFridays for dinner and my cousin Adrienne (who was in town for my graduation) came with me to meet him. Jason and I met that once, never kissed, and just like that, he disappeared and moved. Jason moved off to New York city for a year and a half, pursuing a career in modeling, in film, and (on the down low) RETAIL. Jason worked on the management team at Gap in Times Square. I lost touch with him, but somehow I'd still receive instant messages from him online about once or twice a month. He managed to keep in touch with me even when I didn't really pursue him. I found this intriguing but never really dived into the subject. While speaking online, it all came out that Jason had kept in touch because he had the hots for me. We both decided it would be healthy to start getting to know each other. We spoke on the phone regularly for hours. He came to town to visit his family since he's originally from Gloucester. There were visits when I'd see him only once, but towards the end of these visits, I felt as if I was the only reason he came down. We started dating seriously. He came down to visit one time. We spent all the time together. When he left, I didn't want him to leave, nor did he. I heard about this the next day, but the story goes along these lines: Jason got back on his plane heading for NYC. While he was on the tarmac, there was some sort of back up and the flight out had been delayed for several minutes. He started to have a panic attack. He caused a scene. He started crying hysterically. He called over a flight attendant and told her his mother had been in a terrible accident was was currently in critical condition. They let him off the plane while it was still on the tarmac. He stayed. He eventually went back to bring his belongings home, and he came back here. He stayed with his grandmother who gave him his space. When my birthday rolled around, one of our friends was generous enough to get us a hotel room for the evening. Jason bought the liquor and I brought the mixers. My friend Dia bought me a bottle of Asti Spimanti. The evening started with alcohol, and you can guess how it ultimately ended. I brought my laptop that night. I played Sia's "Breathe Me" on repeat practically the whole night. Her soft airy voice reverberated off of the walls and filled the room with an indescribable calm. That night I got a silver Tiffany's ID bracelet with Ryan Scott engraved across the top. Jason had special ordered and designed it while he was still in New York. This is still the best birthday present I've ever received. When I saw the little blue box in that bag I was speechless. The night ended and the next day came. I remember packing up my midnight blue Saab 9-5 sedan the next morning. I don't have that car anymore. I don't have hotel fun like that anymore, and up to that point, never had that kind of fun. Jason's ringtone on my phone was "Bubbly" by Colbie Caillat. It still echoes in my head, bringing back feelings of oncoming vicious bouts of vomiting (NO, not from drinking that night, but rather at the thought of Jason). Jason and I severed ties on extremely horrific terms. The gentleman who had purchased the hotel room at the Embassy Suites for my birthday night was a very good friend of mine before Jason came back to the area and into my life. This man's name is Gary. I haven't seen him in months, and if I ever saw him again, I'm fairly sure I'd stomp on his foot, spit in his face, and put my cigarette out in his eye. Gary and I would go out for dinner on some occasions. We sat next to each other in the bar almost every night. We would bar-hop together at times. I had to call that quits though after he left his lights of his oversized red Ford Expedition on all night while we were in a bar and the male dancer had to give us a jump. That night Gary fell in the parking lot in a drunken stupor and managed to cut up his ear and one entire side of his face. I had to drive home...But back to the rapport I had with Gary. We were great friends. He even helped orchestrate the surprise arrival of Jason one night. I had no clue he was going to walk through the door of the bar when he did. Gary beamed a great smile and I'd never been so happy. When I grew somewhat distant, working many hours and trying to balance my time with friends, it was only natural that Jason tried to find ways to spend his own free time. Gary was more than happy to take him out to dinner. Ryan was still my best friend at this time and had confronted me on several occasions that something was going on between Jason and I. Why I did not heed his warnings, I'll never know. I'm notorious for always giving the benefit of the doubt when it shouldn't be offered. It wasn't until Ryan overheard Gary's friend Pam and Jason speaking in the bathroom about Gary's recent poor treatment of Jason that my ears perked up. Jason and I were over. Gary had been dating Jason right under my face. I was shocked by the both of them. I stopped talking to Jason, and I stopped talking to Gary. Of course when things like this happen Ryan doesn't just sit back and watch. Mouths ran. Jason and Ryan had it out one night on my cell phone. They had a text message war that was so big it made the Civil War look like a quaint family picnic. It got ugly for a couple months as looks were shot from across the bar. I received a call at my job threatening to kill me if I didn't leave Jason alone. The voice was a thick New York accented man who threatened to have me "swimmin' with the fishes." Ryan was next. Gary and Jason showed up at his work and Gary told him that if he didn't keep his mouth shut, he'd make sure it'd stay shut. Ryan took the threat seriously. I even called the police anonymously asking what would need to be done. I called Jason and left him a voice mail telling him it had gone too far and that I would take out a restraining order and contact an attorney if he didn't knock it off. It's one thing to threaten to shove a boot up someone's ass, and completely another to threaten someone's life. After they had been involved for a short while, Jason was seen in a BMW Z3. I heard the stories. I don't have to ask people this shit, they just put it in my hand. I always get the 411. I heard that Gary bought him the car. As time would tell, Gary made the down payment on the car. The $5,000.00 check bounced. When it did, Jason and Gary were going through a rocky period. Gary got really nasty about the whole thing. "I guess you got yourself into a pickle now," Gary told Jason. Gary even went as far as to use his spare set of keys to kidnap that little Z3 in the middle of the night and take it back to the bank to have it repossessed. Jason called the bank, made the back payments on the loan, and worked out an agreement with the dealership in regards to the bounced $5K check. Jason started text messaging me again. He tried really hard too. I'll give him that. He tried to get my attention and mend the broken bridge between us. In all honestly, we've been oceans apart ever since. He called after I ignored those texts and wanted to know if he'd offended me. We met up for cocktails and I hesitantly listened to what he had to say. Gary apologized eventually too, but his apology fell on deaf ears. I say I forgave him, and maybe I did, but things like that can never be forgot. Gary was the one who had his best friend call my job, use a fake accent, and claim to be Dominic who could somehow send his boys to make me swim with the fishes. Jason wasn't aware of the threats that went over so poorly with Ryan and myself. He used that as leverage a lot. I don't know if he knew about it or not, but Ryan seems willing to bet his life that he knew exactly what was going on. I did get back together with Jason for a brief period after all the mess had gone down. Gary hadn't been seen for a while, and to this day, it's been months since I've seen his overly tanned face and that cheaply colored blonde hair. Jason and I came to our final destination of calling it quits shortly before Christmas. He started hanging out with Ryan and Rob through me and ultimately ended up spending more time with them than I did. I started to resent him. I hated going to Ryan's house and seeing him there. I hated those droopy eyes and that pouty face. I looked at him as filth. I was tired of his poor portrayal of a confident actor. His pictures were good, but never model-quality. He tried to exude confidence, but it was only a vain effort to compensate for the lack thereof. Ryan still greeted him in passing. They actually spoke a couple weeks ago. I don't acknowledge his presence anymore. I walk past him. I look through him. I ignore his very existence. One night I was tanked and drank a little too much. I walked out of the bathroom at the bar and almost smiled and said, "Hey!" to him. I quickly realized the gravity of the situation and nearly kicked myself in the head for almost getting that close to blowing it. I've been listening to Sia recently. I downloaded everything of hers that I possibly could. She came out as a lesbian not long ago. This was exciting news. I listen to "Breathe Me" not but not the original. I can't listen to the original anymore. I listen to the FourTet remix now. The original version was the melody that played in my ear every time I called Jason. I can't listen to "Bubbly" either because every time Jason would call, that's what would play. In a copycat fashion, he set his phone to play the same song when I would call him. I'm sick just thinking of him now. I must congratulate myself for rehashing this without vomiting all over myself and my laptop. 

Song Four and Five and Six: "PDA" by John Legend / "Just the Way You Are" by Diana Krall / "P.S. I Love You" by Diana Krall

It is truly a small miracle that Donnie and I even found each other. I can't tell you how many online efforts I have made to find the perfect man. After years of being out at bars and clubs, I realized that the great men aren't in the bars. They're not drinking or staying up late. They're at home. They have real jobs. They have real security. Donnie and I met through SinglesNet.com. He sent me a message and I sent him my phone number. We talked that first night for a long time. I was speaking to my best friend. He loved everything that I did and knew every word to every song just like me. We laughed and I smiled as I hung up my clean laundry that night. I called him again the next day and spoke for a long time with him. It became crazy to me that we had so much in common and I started wondering if all we'd ever amount to would be best friends. I asked him, "Do you get a friend vibe from me?" Donnie always brought this line up to me. He said it was the first moment when he realized that he was falling for me. He told me no he didn't get that friend vibe. He wanted more, and so did I. After speaking over the phone for not even two weeks, I decided I was so comfortable with this man that I couldn't possibly wait any longer to see him. I packed up a weekend bag and decided to spend some time with him. I got off of work on a Saturday afternoon and drove up to Baltimore, Maryland. It was over four hours away. I told my parents I had met him at the bar when he was visiting on business, but only my mom knows how we really met. It wasn't until I was halfway to Baltimore that I realized how crazy my actions were. I was driving to meet a man in his thirties in a whole other state and I had never even seen him before. It could have turned out really bad. It honestly could have cost me my life. I trusted my instincts though. I got to his house after driving through downtown Baltimore like a doe in headlights. I was terrified to miss a turn. I made it to his house. I was so happy to see him. He looked adorable. he was standing on the curb waiting for me, talking to me on his phone. I made him parallel park my car since I don't know how. I hugged him for the first time and it fit. It felt like home. I walked into his home to find it just as I would have wanted it. His color choices were bright and modern. It was surprisingly minimal. It was meticulously cleaned. I fell in love with his sense of style. I loved every single DVD on his rack. We smoked cigarettes together. We played songs on his computer and we took turns choosing them. I danced with him in his dining room. Nobody saw but us. We smiled and kissed and enjoyed moments of short-lived bliss. He played "PDA" by John Legend. I played "P.S. I Love You" by Diana Krall. He played something else and I played "Your Song" by Elton. I stayed that Saturday night with Donnie, and I also spent part of that Sunday with him as well. I came home Sunday night. All of that just for a Saturday night and a Sunday morning. I went back the next weekend. This time he planned out meals to cook for the two of us. We ate by candlelight. We played the same songs from the weekend before. We killed a couple bottles of wine and headed out to the bars. We went to Grand Central and snuck in the side entrance to avoid paying any cover. We stayed upstairs in the dimly-lit lesbian bar. We smoked cigs and drank cocktails. After three glasses of wine at his house and two rum and diets at Grand Central, I was feeling a heavy buzz. I met a few lesbians at Central and laughed and hugged them. We left, taking with us a wonderful lipstick lesbian (meaning she was girly and not butch) named Katie Arnold. We went to The Hippo across the street (another gay bar). I got in and before I could tell Donnie to stop, he passed me another drink. I got so drunk I wanted to tell him we had to leave. I should have. But I lasted as long as I could before telling him I was ready. I danced drunkly with Katie and with an older woman with what I thought to be a killer haircut at the time. Donnie and I went home. We played and then we passed out. We woke up the next morning on his stark white sheets. They were softer than flannel and nicer than any hotel sheets I've ever rested my weary body on. I immediately felt the throbbing head ache. Through the darkness of the room I could see a dark spot on the sheets. I had slept on Donnie's chest that night. I spoke, "I think I threw up last night."

"No, I think I had a nose bleed." It turns out that I had threw up. Donnie thought it was a nose bleed because somehow it ended up on the side of his face, his chest, and his boxers. It was terribly embarrassing. It was nothing but red wine. It wasn't full of chunks or anything terribly gross, but I promise, it wasn't a pleasant realization on his part either. He made me feel okay about it. He cleaned the floor (I had made a futile attempt to land the vomit in the trash can apparently) and put the sheets in the wash to be cleaned on the 2 hour white cycle. The stains came out. It was amazing. He came down and met my family a week or two after that. Everyone loved him. My sister still talks about him to this day. Donnie and I dated over Christmas time. I even started looking at what I would need to do to transfer to Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore so I could move in with him this summer. I visited a couple more times and my schedule changed, putting a small damper on my ability to meet him. We started falling apart. One night I thought it would be good to come clean of my doubts and be honest with him. He came clean with his, and we both walked away from that conversation hurt. We had mortally wounded each other with our own words. He cancelled my trip up to Baltimore that weekend. He didn't think it would be good. He said we'd just fall in love all over again and ignore that elephant that we just invited into our relationship. I would call him and he wouldn't answer. I would call the house and he wouldn't answer. Hours would go by to the point where I was so sure he had to at least see that he had missed my calls. He didn't return them. I would call and finally snag him. I'd ream him in and out over his inability to return my calls in a timely manner. Let's face it, Donnie wasn't used to answering to anyone since he lived by himself. It was a feat that he even shared his space with me when I visited. We stopped speaking and decided mutually that we were both in far different places in our lives. We had irreconcilable differences. He called me later to ask if I was still coming up to Baltimore like we had planned for his birthday. We were supposed to still keep in touch and be best friends, but that was falling apart at this point as well. I told him that it wouldn't be right and that I couldn't. I checked my Facebook account to see that he had dropped me from his relationship listing before I did. It was not a pleasant feeling. I knew it was coming, but I felt very detached for days. He took me off his top friends on Myspace and eventually I stopped hearing from him altogether. He burned me a CD with our songs on it. There are too many. He spoiled more songs than anyone I've ever been with. He ruined the following:

"PDA" by John Legend

"Your Song" by Elton John

"Just the Way You Are" by Diana Krall

"P.S. I Love You" by Diana Krall

"Evil Woman" by Electric Light Orchestra

I can't think of any more off the top of my head. It makes me sick to think of them. After we split, he told me that the most fitting song was "For Good" from Wicked, the broadway musical. I listened to it and cried. I called him up and he chastised me for phoning in for his sympathy. He fussed me out asking me if I didn't think he was hurt either. He made me feel terrible about even calling and I really just wanted to say I missed him. He beat me up emotionally in ways that still haunt me to this day. "What do you have to offer these older men? You have nothing to offer them! Are you just going to keep showing up at their houses, play house and then go home to your parents?!" He broke me down bad. He hung up on me. It was definitely ugly from here on out. I wanted to stay friends, but it's not worth it. There were several small aspects about Donnie that I overlooked purposefully that really should have been deal-breakers from the start. You do crazy things for love though. There are many people you can live with, but the hard thing is to find that one person you can't live without. Donnie could have been one of those people. 

It's a shame that I've been forced to bury so many great songs alive. I can't even listen to them and enjoy them anymore. I can't bear to lose any more of my favorites, so from now on I'll keep my favorites to myself and not let anyone take them away.