I have to believe things would be different...

I still struggle with the thought of Frank. I have to believe that things wouldn't have worked out even if the whole previous situation never arose. It's hard because I feel like I'd be lying to myself about it. I still have a tiny bit of hope that he'll give me a good reason to stay. I don't want to leave it alone. I have the beginning of a scab and all I want to do is keep picking it off until I bleed to death. I've been working my ass off at the book store and I hate it. I have been staying pretty busy. I went to an outdoor concert last night with Victoria and a new friend named Tony. We met up with Rob and his girlfriend Ashley. Rob was off talking to new people and Victoria kept his girlfriend Ashley good company. They talked all night. Tony and I sat side by side, drinking beer and not really talking much. I just liked being in his company. I enjoyed just having someone there who knows about my trust issues and has enough of his own as well. It's this strange new friendship. It's like the birth of a star. I know it will last long if its fuel doesn't burn too quickly and if it paces itself. I am pacing myself with Tony. I'm not rushing it. I've only held his hand and that was on the third time I hung out with him (last night). He shares the same views on sex as I do. I'm emotionally terrified of sex now thanks to Frank. I went almost a year without it and Frank just plowed through my walls, and disappeared to take everything he wanted from life. I feel comfortable that Anthony would wait and build up to make it a special and memorable and meaningful experience. That's how I want it to be. I don't want to be scared of it. I want to be passionate about it. I want it to be real and loving, and full of a passion like none I have experienced before. I want to go slow. I'm practically crippled as far as loving goes at this point. I've burned bright, and fast, and I've burned out. I want to have faith and trust in Anthony if that's where we're headed together. So far, I'm doing pretty well. I'm still scared to death, apprehensive as all hell, and really don't know what kind of time schedule I'm supposed to be working off of. I just keep praying and go with the flow. I know it will develop naturally and I won't need a time frame of any sort. Tony and I have plans to go to Busch Gardens tomorrow. I have the day off tomorrow and he'll be free by early afternoon. We're going to drive up together and spend the day together. Then we'll go back to his house and cook dinner together, and maybe watch a movie together. I'm excited as hell, and I'm scared as hell too. When I see Tony smile, I can see his heart. I can look right into those blue eyes and know that I can trust him. I know that I want to trust him. He's a good man. He's respectful. He's kind. He cares. He's apprehensive too. It's good though. We're both pacing ourselves and doing this right. I have faith that it will grow if we do this right. I hope I'm doing the right thing. I can't believe I keep trying to find love after all the messes I've lived through. I've got to be at work in an hour. I'm working the closing shift. I have one cigarette left and I want to quit. I want to give up my bad habits. I need to find a better job. I put my resume up on three different banks' websites today. The jobs are all 30+ minutes away but I'd rather tackle the drive and make the money than stay in this minimum-wage retail hell. I've got to get out. Tomorrow will be here soon enough and I'll be with Tony again. The thought alone makes me smile. I'm not going to rush this. Nice and easy this time.