Hope is fading

I lose more and more hope with each passing day. Before meeting up with Tony yesterday, an acquaintance of mine informed me of some rather devastating news pertaining to Tony. I'm not going to get into any details. But let's just say I beat around the bush and couldn't have come any closer without slapping him in the face with it. I wanted him to speak up, and admit what he needed to admit. He had multiple chances and I gave him every opportunity to open up. Nothing came of it. I feel pretty much betrayed by him. Half-truths are just as bad as whole-lies. I can't even look at him in the face without feeling like he's keeping things from me. I can't pursue him at all now. I refuse to. I did go to the bar with him and his friend Rob last night. We had a great time. I introduced myself to a rather muscular and attractive man standing by himself when I was on my way to the restroom. I had my friend Kyle talk to him to get the dirt. Kyle reported back to me moments later, "Girl, I struck out with that one." I asked him, "What do you mean? Like, struck out good or bad??" Kyle replied, "He's got a wife and a husband, AND kids." Sheesh. So the night played out pretty uneventfully. I had a few drinks. I danced with Tony. I met his friends. I kept a smile on my face and played my part. That's life. I show them what they want to see. I did call Frank before I went out last night and I did speak with him. He started the conversation very friendly and casual. "Frank, I wish I could sit here and talk to you like nothing has happened but something HAS happened. I feel differently now," I told him. He told me he had made me no promises and I re-explained myself when I had point-blank told him about my trust issues and all that other nonsense. He became rushed and frustrated and I had to tell him to slow down and calm down. He was going on about how he doesn't know what he wants. He's just living day by day. He has a lot of work to do on himself. And he quickly came to the conclusion that he doesn't want a relationship or any kind of commitment. I think this was just a rushed statement in an attempt to jump-ship. I was a little disappointed but he said he just wanted to keep in touch. I don't know what's going to happen. I know I shouldn't want him. I called him today but he didn't answer. I left him a message. I went online and went to look up his profile between checking messages. Apparently he has deleted it. I don't know if he's created a new one or not, but his old one isn't there. I am deeply saddened and I feel deserted. I have nothing to cling to. I haven't a single man that I am willing to trust. I've chatted with a new man named Kyle yesterday and today. He's 40, and everything looks good on paper so far. He seems so sexually charged though. I know this isn't bad, but I'm not having sex anytime soon at all. I can't bear to put myself through this emotional turmoil anymore. Kyle has already talked on the phone about getting tested and having unprotected sex, to which I quickly and firmly replied saying I would have nothing to do with it and I would never have sex with him unprotected. He was very quick to say that I would. He seems so confident that I'm just going to want to fuck his brains out the second I see him. I'm turned off by this. I can't trust the sex drive of a man. And if this Kyle guy wants to have unprotected sex with me, I can't even imagine what he'd do with other men. He seems sick of the games too, and I think he's looking for a relationship. We've only discussed the tip of the iceberg so far. I'm not passing any judgments yet. I haven't even met him. He's seen me at work before but I don't remember him. I'm sure he's a good man. He is a Christian. He is stable, secure, and I THINK sane. I just don't have that much hope left to give him. I had hope in Tony, and I feel like he was lying to me the whole time now. I think he's too much of a bottom to be with me, but he says he's versatile (in sexual terms, top= pitcher, bottom= catcher). I need a man. I can't do this dating thing with the 20-something, or even the 30-something crowd. I need a man. I need a dominant, meat-eating, beer-drinking, sport-watching man. I don't have the energy to invest anymore. I'm drained emotionally. I can't move forward at this point. I'm exhausted. I'm running out of fuel, I'm running out of energy. The only thing I have that I can cling to is my faith. I know God has a plan for me, and it's all in his time, not in mine. I have faith that His will be done, in due time. It's just not looking good at the moment. I have got to get a loan for school this fall. My mom says she's not paying it. It's too late for me to get a Stafford loan (I think). I don't know what I'll do to get that money. I haven't received the first paycheck from this new job yet. I am drowning. I have no love, no money, possibly will have to take a semester off from university. I just have to have faith. What else can I do? I'm so devastated. I hate  Frank. I don't trust Anthony. Kyle wants to fuck too bad. I don't have the energy for this. I just want to fall asleep and wake up in another time when everything is good. I want to fast-forward about five years and wake up in a new city, with a wonderful partner, a great job, our own home together, a dog, maybe a child of our own. I hate where I'm at. I've got to get out. I've got to get away from this forsaken town. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I don't know how many more times my heart can be broken before all that is left is dust.