Give a man an inch and he'll run across state lines with it.

Frank. FRANK. FRAAAANK! Dammit. I should have known better, but I really believed in him. I had broken down my walls and set my trust issues aside with him. I melted into him and I wanted nothing more than to blend our lives and futures together. Once when I went to his house, I saw he had left up the website where we met on his laptop. I saw it and told him, "Frank, I see you have Adam4Adam up on your computer. You know I have trust issues. I don't deserve that." He told me it was nothing. He just watches people online for entertainment, and if it was anything, he would absolutely let me know. So there. Problem squashed. But I hadn't even checked my messages since Frank and I started talking and I knew I was interested in him. I even told him that I hadn't been online since and that I'd feel so guilty. We spent one incredible weekend together. I thought it was amazing and I walked away feeling very attached and craving more of Frank. Being with him in a living situation was completely bearable and that was an even bigger selling point for me. Since we had gotten back into town last monday, Frank has been off on work. He doesn't work very often but had to deliver a yacht to Rhode Island. I figured he'd be out on the open seas for days on end and I wouldn't be able to reach him by phone. I had left one message with him but did think it was strange that his phone actually rang the full ring-sequence and didn't just cut to voicemail. I was on Adam4Adam  because I had messages building up. I looked up Frank's profile. There was something different about it. There was the name of a hotel in Rhode Island with the dates 7/18-7/20 "for hot discreet fun". I was slackjawed at the computer. I was in complete shock. I wrote him a message immediately saying: I guess when the cat's away, the cat will play. He responded saying: That was mean. I didn't promise you anything? I wrote him telling him I felt like such a fool for putting my faith in him. I told him he HAD promised me that he would tell me if it WAS something. This was definitely something. How could he do this to me after I just broke down every wall I had built over years just to trust him and open up to him physically and emotionally. I don't even know how to deal with it. If  he wants to fuck, go fuck, Frank; just leave me out of it. I told him that too. The worst and sickest part is, if he came back and said he was sorry and that it is more important for him to work on 'us', I'd take him back. I know I would. It makes me sick because I know I shouldn't. I'm just trying to read  books, work, spend time with friends and family, and stop thinking about him. When we had gone down to Manteo together, we listened quietly to Khonnor's album titled Handwriting. I was listening to my iPod and songs from the album played randomly and I couldn't help but let my eyes well up with tears. Why do bad things happen to good people? Why is love always running away from me and leaving me in the dark, alone. I've been working a lot at the bookstore this week. I worked from 5pm until 11.20pm last night. I was called out to meet Shawn and Heather Y. at the Corner Pocket. I met them out. I had two drinks, sung George Michael's song Amazing for karaoke, and just hung out. I was smiling. Heather Y. took one look at me though, and she said: "You're fucking miserable aren't you?" She knows my heart. I swear sometimes I think my skin is paper-thin when I'm around her. She knows my heart, and my soul. I consider her a best friend, kindred spirit, and advisor of sorts. The smile slid right off my face and shattered on the floor so-to-speak. "Yes. I am fucking miserable." I told her about Frank. Heather says I need to take time to just be alone. I need to give it a rest. I know I do. I'm still in shock from Frank and a big piece of me really wants him to come home and make it right. I want him to call me. I want him to keep me. I want him to get his shit together and make the right decision. I know he won't though. He's too immature in those regards. Men really are pigs. I don't want to ever have sex again. It makes me too vulnerable. I can't trust a man enough to let him get that close to me again, not for a while anyways. I was on an 8 month celibacy streak before Frank came along and broke the spell. Now I wish he never had. I am not supposed to feel this way at my age. I'm too young to be hurting already. I thought these feelings were reserved for harder years down the road. I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to find men to meet and see where it goes. I continually throw myself into the fire though, and each time, I come out with one more scar, one more burn, and one more skin graph required on my heart. Frank took me. Frank hurt me. Fuck you Frank. You don't know what you just messed up. I'd have gone to the ends of the earth for you.