I was on the second floor of a building at school waiting for my Chemistry lecture to start. I looked outside to see nothing but white. I could hardly see the treeline on the opposite end of the parking lot. There was so much snow coming down. Big fat snowflakes where whirling around, flying up and down and darting across the gray sky. I just knew that by the end of that lecture, I would walk outside to see at least three inches. I was waiting to see it piled up on the roof of my car. I left the building after the lecture to take a look at the ground that I could not see from up above. . . Nothing. Just wet. So disappointing.
I sat for my two hour break between classes and listened to Swayzak, Tracy Chapman, and Pete Bjorn and John. The last time I heard Tracy Chapman was when I was in France, summer of 2006. Sylvie and I were driving across the French countryside to her boyfriend's parents' house out in the farmlands. We listened to the entire album. The funny thing is that Sylvie liked her voice and enjoyed the music, but she didn't understand anything that Tracy was singing. I tried to explain to her in French what she would be singing about on each track. I miss that. I miss good culture, good food, good people...family.
I've been becoming more and more socially isolated. I don't realize that I have been doing this to myself over the past two or three weeks. I don't make many outgoing calls anymore. I don't go out to the bar even a quarter as much as I used to. I stay home. I exercise. I eat right. Last night Dallas and I went out to eat at what she calls "Wing Wong". It's a $4.99 all you can eat Chinese buffet. We were the only two people in there. I don't understand how they can stay open. We ate and ate and ate. I had two full plates. Fallas was so hungry before we got there. I hadn't eaten anything all day. I had been at school from 8AM until 6:45PM. On the phone with Dallas beforehand, she informed me quite dramatically that "I'm so hungry my stomach is eating my vagina!" I told my mother this right after I got off the phone with Dallas to meet her out. Mom laughed so hard she nearly spit her salad right out of her mouth. No matter how bad a day or a week or a month can be, Dallas has never stopped me from laughing. I haven't spent much time with her, or anyone for that matter, recently and it was great to be in her company again. It was a good end to a long day. It was the first time I've cheated on this diet, but I had been craving french fries all day long and just figured MSG would be the better replacement.
Coffee is cold. The office is cold. I was asked by someone very dear to me a couple nights ago if I wanted to talk about how I felt. He asked me how I felt, and the only word that came to my mind, and the only word that still comes to mind is numb. I feel numb. It's my fight or flight reaction. It's what I do to go on. It's what I have to do to move on. My body just shuts down all emotion. It would rather be inactive than deal with feelings of depression or hopelessness that I used to know so well in younger years. I hate realizing this. I hate knowing that I'm just a body. I'm just a emotionless zombie moving around amongst the living. Overreacting, I know. But it isn't a good feeling.
I don't know what to do. I don't know how to break this current spell. I wish I could get out and have the fun that I used to have. I used to know how to make every day feel like summer. I'd take my best friends out driving to take pictures outside, or to go to the hookah lounge to smoke shisha. We could have a blast in Walgreens if we had to. Now those friends are tied up. Both have steady boyfriends that dominate a good portion of they time and lives. It doesn't mean that I'm not invited into their shared lives, but it's not the same. I feel guilty cracking jokes and sharing the secret inside jokes that the boyfriends aren't aware of. I just know that I have always been better to my friends than I have my boyfriends. I know what it's like to be on the backburner so-to-speak. I am not implying that my friends ignore me. Damn, even my horoscope warned me that I would have an ability to turn friends into enemies today, so I need to mind my p's and q's. (The statement of minding P's and Q's stems from back in the day when barfights would break out. The bartender would yell out for everyone to mind their pints and quarts of beer so they wouldn't be spilled in the chaos of that moment).
Another day, another dollar.
I sat for my two hour break between classes and listened to Swayzak, Tracy Chapman, and Pete Bjorn and John. The last time I heard Tracy Chapman was when I was in France, summer of 2006. Sylvie and I were driving across the French countryside to her boyfriend's parents' house out in the farmlands. We listened to the entire album. The funny thing is that Sylvie liked her voice and enjoyed the music, but she didn't understand anything that Tracy was singing. I tried to explain to her in French what she would be singing about on each track. I miss that. I miss good culture, good food, good people...family.
I've been becoming more and more socially isolated. I don't realize that I have been doing this to myself over the past two or three weeks. I don't make many outgoing calls anymore. I don't go out to the bar even a quarter as much as I used to. I stay home. I exercise. I eat right. Last night Dallas and I went out to eat at what she calls "Wing Wong". It's a $4.99 all you can eat Chinese buffet. We were the only two people in there. I don't understand how they can stay open. We ate and ate and ate. I had two full plates. Fallas was so hungry before we got there. I hadn't eaten anything all day. I had been at school from 8AM until 6:45PM. On the phone with Dallas beforehand, she informed me quite dramatically that "I'm so hungry my stomach is eating my vagina!" I told my mother this right after I got off the phone with Dallas to meet her out. Mom laughed so hard she nearly spit her salad right out of her mouth. No matter how bad a day or a week or a month can be, Dallas has never stopped me from laughing. I haven't spent much time with her, or anyone for that matter, recently and it was great to be in her company again. It was a good end to a long day. It was the first time I've cheated on this diet, but I had been craving french fries all day long and just figured MSG would be the better replacement.
Coffee is cold. The office is cold. I was asked by someone very dear to me a couple nights ago if I wanted to talk about how I felt. He asked me how I felt, and the only word that came to my mind, and the only word that still comes to mind is numb. I feel numb. It's my fight or flight reaction. It's what I do to go on. It's what I have to do to move on. My body just shuts down all emotion. It would rather be inactive than deal with feelings of depression or hopelessness that I used to know so well in younger years. I hate realizing this. I hate knowing that I'm just a body. I'm just a emotionless zombie moving around amongst the living. Overreacting, I know. But it isn't a good feeling.
I don't know what to do. I don't know how to break this current spell. I wish I could get out and have the fun that I used to have. I used to know how to make every day feel like summer. I'd take my best friends out driving to take pictures outside, or to go to the hookah lounge to smoke shisha. We could have a blast in Walgreens if we had to. Now those friends are tied up. Both have steady boyfriends that dominate a good portion of they time and lives. It doesn't mean that I'm not invited into their shared lives, but it's not the same. I feel guilty cracking jokes and sharing the secret inside jokes that the boyfriends aren't aware of. I just know that I have always been better to my friends than I have my boyfriends. I know what it's like to be on the backburner so-to-speak. I am not implying that my friends ignore me. Damn, even my horoscope warned me that I would have an ability to turn friends into enemies today, so I need to mind my p's and q's. (The statement of minding P's and Q's stems from back in the day when barfights would break out. The bartender would yell out for everyone to mind their pints and quarts of beer so they wouldn't be spilled in the chaos of that moment).
Another day, another dollar.
1 comments:
Aw, I love you Ryan! (BTW, thanks for the lesson on the p's and q's - I didn't know the origin of that saying!)
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