Reflection Driving Home

I had to crack the window tonight. The cool damp air ruffled my hair and was a welcome change from the blasting heat in my car. I drove home from the bar. Searching every puddle, I looked at reflections. I was looking for evidence of my feelings. Looking for answers, I was hoping to find trace of something more. I wish I knew how I felt. I've helped everyone I know. Always looking to make sense of others' emotions, I fail to make sense of my own. I keep my emotions so close to my vest, I hardly notice them myself. The hardest part of truly getting to know me is knowing how to diagnose my innermost emotions.

Tonight was the first night I can remember Ryan saying goodbye to me. He left the bar before I did, not at the same time. It was mildly upsetting, but I quickly managed to ignore and overlook that entire situation.

I had dinner with a man tonight. I had dinner with a successful, goal-oriented man tonight. We shared great conversation, chain smoked, and learned more of each other. He sipped on scotch that disappeared four times to an empty glass bottom. His accent echoed in my head and every word rang clear notes from every octave. He felt the way that I felt about gay relationships. We talked about our mothers, our ex-boyfriends, and our futures (whether they intertwine or not is up to fate alone). I'll be seeing him again on Friday.

Ryan rushed me into leaving behind my empty mug of post-dinner coffee, and ashtray of spent fags. Somehow I managed to still beat him out tonight. The bar was dead and I blame it on the rain.

The enormous drag queen spoke of being "hippoglycemic" this evening. She claimed that when she hasn't eaten in a few hours, "All of you start looking like gigantic french fries." She was amusing to say the least. I couldn't stay out long. I was too full, and too tired to put up with the antics tonight. I left shortly after Ryan. I followed in his footsteps and signed out the bar tab.

I have been talking to several men recently. Every one of them has their strengths and weaknesses. The problem is this: Is it better to be with someone who is very much like myself, or with someone who is completely different? I understand it is great to be with someone who can compensate for my weaknesses and bring a good balance in the relationship. I also realize that your lover should be your best friend as well... and aren't your best friends usually like yourself?

Sleep is very much valued in my life, so I leave you with this paradox that I stumbled across in Chemistry 112 this afternoon: "Does oxygen have an odor?" (keep in mind, olfactory fatigue occurs when you smell the same thing for too long; you become immune to it).