He's Not Here

"He's not here. At least you already know that."

It echoed in my mind like and orgasm you'd eagerly awaited after a week of daily sex. It was exactly what I wanted to hear. Lon (pictured here) spoke to me words of encouragement that I had never experienced before tonight.

I talked to Lon at the bar for over an hour. We talked about previous relationships, careers, and love. I told him that I knew that my perfect mate wasn't "here." I've known for a while that he isn't here.

It's always the same shit.

"Different faces, same old shit," I told Lon.

He agreed to the n'th degree.

"I've been to HUNDREDS of gay bars all over the world," he told me. He informed me that, "[I] can talk to any queen in Atlanta, Miami, Germany, or L.A. and continue the same conversation in any other big city." He's right. It's always going to be the same shit with a different face. I realize this. Realization puts me above the rest. If you can understand these fundamental personalities in the gay community, you can anticipate their reactions and anticipate where the conversation is leading. It really is this way, as sad as it seems.

I got a drink out of it. I look at it as my reward for listening to Lon and his previous experiences. At the same time, I feel undeserving for the cocktail because I was receiving much needed therapy in regards to my own life experiences. It is amazing. To hear what you want to hear and to hear justified the same situations of which you've experienced is a truly remarkable experience.

Lon told me about his past; about a lover who he left an entire continent for, who ultimately left him upon arrival. D.O.A. comes to mind. Dead on arrival. Can you imagine leaving everything you know, only to be left in the dark upon arrival?

Life is cruel. I know this. Lon knows this. And tonight, because of this, I realized that I am not alone in my search for "the one." Lon assured me that it is fine to have requirements that may seem like standards "too high" for some. It's okay to say, "Yeah, he has to be taller than me and have big muscles." I want that protector role filled. It seems shallow, but if these requirements aren't met, let's face it, I will be looking for something better the whole time I'm dating the man of the hour.

Some things you can compromise on, but in the true-ringing words of Lon, "The line can be moved, but only so much." You can't push yourself the the precipice. It's a given that compromises must be made in all relationships, but there's a point where you have to say, "Enough is enough."

I am a better person because of my conversation with Lon. I realize that he isn't where he ultimately desires to be.

"There's not a day that goes by that I don't look at property or jobs in other places." I understand that. I feel him. Lon is right. You can do all you want, but in the end you have to ask yourself, "Am I living to work?" I don't want to live to work.

There is so much in life to experience, but I know that my experiences aren't limited to Hampton Roads. Even when I date now, I date knowing that it's only a means to an end. I know that it will only be a few years that it lasts, if that. I know that he is not here. The man I'm meant to spend my time with doesn't live in this shit hole. He's better than this. He knows what he wants, and he's left behind the small town mentalities long ago. He's not here.

He's not here. I know that. He knows that. We know that. Lon and I know that. For me, I know that one thing is for sure. I can't wait to meet him. Whether he be in Baltimore, Atlanta, Miami, New York, or Los Angeles, I'll meet him one day. We'll live out our fairy tales together. No children's book has shit on me. I know what I want, and I don't think I should have to compromise as much as this town has required me to do at this point. Only time will tell, but at this point, one thing is for certain, "He's not here."